10 Brutally Honest Reasons Why You’re Still Single As a Modern-Day Woman?

by Gideon Hanekom
December 21, 2021

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This post will look at ten brutally honest reasons why you’re still single as a modern-day woman, though some of these ideas can also apply to men.

Being single can be both liberating and depressing at times.

While some prefer to be alone, the majority of single men and women prefer to be in a relationship.

If you’ve been single for a long time, there’s a reason for it.

On some level, it may even be your choice.

If, on the other hand, you’re sick of being single and want to make a change, it might be time to grab the bull by the horns and honestly assess your situation.

I am a HUGE believer in self-reflection and brutal honesty.

Self-deception is nonsense that will keep you in the dark about what is really going on and will keep you from finding love.

Only by deciding to stop lying to yourself and confront your dating blind spots and the reasons you’re probably still single will you be able to make the necessary changes and find true love.

Thoughts on why you are possibly still single

We are all aware that dating and relationships have historically been difficult.

Additionally, they can appear near-impossible at times in this day and age.

Women, in particular, frequently lament their inability to locate a suitable man, for example, this article in The NZ Herald by Jana Hocking “I’m in my 30s, successful, fun … and still single. I think I know why.”

Some feel that most men seem to be imprisoned in infancy (commonly referred to as “Peter Pan Syndrome”) and are unable to commit to a serious relationship, or are threatened by the rise of the “successful” woman, so they avoid her.

Furthermore, some women commonly voice their discontent with men they define as “nice guy” types (as opposed to “bad boys”) who are “fine” to date for a while but end up boring them in the long term.

However, on the other hand, they also frequently come across gorgeous “douchebags” who initially excite them but, in the end, abuse them, ignore their needs, or break their hearts.

still single

So what is going on here?

Is it true that most single men are still children, too immature to date long-term, are threatened by accomplished women, and hence avoid them, or is it true that all the good guys have already been “taken?”

Or is there something entirely different going on?

When it comes to males and relationships or marriage, there appears to be a case for timing when it comes to most men.

Some researchers refer to this as the “age of commitment.”

This essentially refers to the period of time during which males appear to become more receptive to the idea of marriage, before to which they are not the type to make long-term commitments, and following which the likelihood of continuing to be a bachelor increases.

According to this notion, everything comes down to timing and the moment a woman meets a man.

If she meets him too soon, he will most likely be reluctant to commit; if she meets him too late, the same may be true, but for different reasons.

Some of the data from the survey shared on Today.com include:

  • When most guys graduate from high school, they begin to consider marriage as a viable option around the age of 23 or 24.
  • Most males who graduate from college do not view marriage as a viable option until they reach the age of 26.
  • Men who attend graduate school take longer to enter the workforce and are not ready to marry until a few years later.
  • Between the ages of 26 and 33, ninety percent of males who have graduated from college are ready for the next step; this is when they are most likely to explore marriage. However, this window of opportunity lasts only four to five years, after which the likelihood of a male marrying begins to diminish.
  • Between the ages of 28 and 33, the majority of college graduates are in their high-commitment years and are likely to propose.
  • This time lasts somewhat more than five years for well-educated guys. Men’s chances of committing are slightly lower at thirty-one or thirty-two than they were at 28 or 30, but they are still in a high-commitment phase.
  • Once males reach the age of 33 or 34, their odds of committing begin to dwindle, but only marginally. Men remain excellent prospects until they reach the age of 37.
  • After the age of 38, their chances of ever marrying decrease drastically.
  • Once a man reaches the ages of 42 or 43, his chances of marrying for the first time decrease even further. Many males become confirmed bachelors at this point.
  • Once males reach the age of 47 to 50 without marrying, their chances of marriage do not vanish, but they significantly decrease.

So, based on that, there appears to be some merit to the concept of a “commitment age,” which, depending on how you look at it, may indicate increased difficulty for women wishing to date older than 38 years old.

still single

In terms of men choosing women who are less successful, accomplished, or intellectually gifted than themselves, data appears to imply something different.

According to Diana Kirschner PhD’s article on PsychologyToday.com, the notion that successful men tend to marry down is simply not supported by the research at all.

In reality, according to Kirschner, many studies of mate selection conducted around the world have discovered that the law of homogamy applies, which means that couples tend to have educational achievements that are comparable to one another.

It is also common for them to marry individuals who are similar in terms of attitudes, religion, and values.

In the last 30 years, as women’s educational attainment has increased, they have tended to marry men who are also educated.

As a result of a lack of educational options, historically, women were more likely to marry highly educated males, a phenomenon known as “marrying up.” This tendency has supplanted that pattern.

Because people spend so much time in school these days, they consciously hunt for partners while in college or graduate school, which is a common occurrence.

Kirschner cites scholars Blossfeld and Tim, who have been studying homogamy for more than a decade and have discovered that the rate of homogamy in higher education has increased over the last century, as evidence.

In the United States, more than half of women in their 40s married a spouse who had the same degree as them (51%).

Only 27% of those who got married did so up the aisle, while only 21% did so down the aisle.

Kirschner observes that while education has altered our culture, it has benefited women. They are, in reality, the main beneficiaries.

Additionally, Kirschner cites a study on educational homogamy in a marriage conducted in 22 countries, of which 14 countries demonstrated a high trend towards homogamy, while seven countries had males who actually married up.

Another Australian study found that men who marry educated women are happier than men who marry illiterate women.

Furthermore, the author of that study came to the conclusion that a man’s level of happiness increased by 8% for every year that his wife completed post-secondary education.

In other words, a college graduate is 32% more likely to provide her man happiness than a high school graduate.

According to Kirschner, credible data from around the world reveals that the more educated women grow, the more attractive they are to the other sex.

still single

So, unfortunately for women like Jana Hocking, who want to believe their success and strong femininity pose a threat to men, it’s an opinion that is not backed up by research data from numerous countries worldwide.

On the other hand, if you wish to believe that you are not a threat to some guys, this is good news because there are some men who will not only match your qualities but will embrace what you have to offer.

However, if a man does feel threatened, please do not interpret his particular experience as a reflection of all reality.

Jeremy Nicholson, PhD, writing on PsychologyToday.com, presents yet another point of view, claiming that “cultural and biological aspects have been pitted against one another, frequently placing women in a ‘no-win situation’ in modern life.”

As Nicholson explains, a portion of women’s dissatisfaction with modern dating can be attributed to what he refers to as “a double bind.”

He believes that this double bind manifests itself most strongly between the types of guys that women find attractive (from a biological and evolutionary standpoint) and the types of males that they choose to attach themselves to (from social instruction, i.e. social norms, values, and expectations).

Women are encouraged, empowered, and even expected) to take on a variety of roles in today’s society, according to the author’s perspective.

Consequently, tremendous levels of stress are typically experienced by the “superwoman” and the “super mother.”

Women are expected to be successful in the workplace, manage their homes, raise wonderful children, and also be attractive and always cheery, according to popular culture and stereotypes.

It also requires that women be as intelligent, determined, forceful, and in command as possible at all times, regardless of the situation.

Consequently, Nicholson claims that women are driven to “choose” males who are compatible with their life plans, desires, and aspirations based on these social cues and indications from other women.

For the most part, women “attach” to men who are cooperative, agreeable, and supportive in their interactions with them, and who frequently take the initiative in areas that are important to them.

A consequence of this is that guys who are labelled as “disagreeable” or “opinionated” or who require women to “acquiesce” may be regarded as unappealing as “attachment” partners from a cultural standpoint.

Unfortunately, many of those “culturally undesirable” masculine features are identical to and overlap with biologically “attractive” characteristics, making them even more difficult to identify and avoid.

Despite the fact that this is not always true, Nicholson asserts that men who are educated, influential, and ambitious are less likely than other men to take a back seat, follow, or submit in a romantic relationship.

Therefore, men who demonstrate “leadership tendencies” in other parts of their lives may aspire to be in a position of leadership in their romantic relationships.

Even though this may not be a bad thing in terms of polarity and attraction, Nicholson says that when those two “feelings” are juxtaposed, women typically find themselves unfulfilled in their romantic relationships.

Throughout their dating histories, many women find themselves oscillating between what they refer to as “decent gentlemen” and “douchebags.”

As a result of their position, ambition, and power, they are lured to “assholes,” only to be disappointed when those men fail to satisfy the cooperative and caring cultural norms expected of an attachment partner.

This causes these women to gravitate towards a culturally acceptable “nice guy,” only to get bored, their desire to decrease, and their attention to revert to “bad males,” who are typically disappointing.

Their relationships, in any case, are largely frustrating and unsatisfying to them, according to their perceptions.

still single

To summarise, one possible explanation for why you may still be single is that you are caught in an ever-increasing “double bind” that many modern-day women find themselves in, causing them to oscillate between what is exciting and what is stable, at least in the eyes of society, causing you to remain single.

This does not necessarily suggest that you have never been in a relationship, but it does attempt to explain why you have been a singleton for the majority of your life.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you or I can do to stop the passage of time other than adapt and make the best of the circumstances.

This takes us to a different viewpoint.

According to Aaron Zhu’s post on ThoughtCatalog.com, it’s critical to stop misleading yourself and accept that life isn’t trying to harm you.

Rather than that, you are where you are as a result of the daily choices you make.

While Zhu agrees that some events are absolutely beyond our control, if a person’s life has a consistently reoccurring problem, it’s probably time to pay notice and consider what’s going on.

Zhu asserts that there is a reason why someone is single, and despite their reluctance to recognise it, a person’s relationship status is mostly in their hands.

At the very least, there is a great deal that the majority of people can do to significantly improve their odds of meeting someone.

This is consistent with KC Rasch’s viewpoint on ThoughtCatalog.com, who stated, “Not every good guy is gay or taken. No, not every man is a jackass. No, not all women are sluts, bitches, or whatever you want to call them. True, some of that may be true – but most of your problems are self-inflicted”(unless you want to be single or don’t complain about it).

With that said, let’s look at a few other possible brutally honest reasons why you’re probably still single, as well as some ideas on what you can do about it.

10 Possible Reasons You’re Still Single:

You’re drawn to people that aren’t right for you.

As previously said, one of the possible reasons for your continued single status has to do with your selection of potential partners.

Due to the fact that you are interested in someone who is not right for you, you wind up “stumbling” between dates and one-night stands.

Part of you craves the thrill that one sort of person may provide, while another part of you craves the stability that another type can provide.

That does not rule out the possibility of finding the entire package; it simply indicates that you have not yet discovered him or that you are unsure of how to get the most out of the men with whom you are working.

Perhaps you are attracted to men who are completely dedicated to their careers, or to women who are damaged and in desperate need of saving.

Perhaps you’re single because you’re only interested in people who aren’t suitable candidates for a long-lasting relationship.

If this is the case, you should consider why this is the case.

still single

To elaborate, when people have negative experiences, they are more likely to develop particular levels of defensiveness over time.

Some people may refer to it as the “walls” that we have constructed.

And, as Lisa Firestone PhD points out on PsychologyToday.com, when we act on our defences, we might fall into the habit of picking less-than-ideal relationship partners, which is not healthy.

For example, we can choose a partner who isn’t emotionally available and hence end up in an unsatisfying relationship.

Because this is a mainly unconscious process, we frequently end up blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship.

We can end up feeling devasted or hurt by the repeated rejections without realising that we are actively seeking out this pattern of rejections, to begin with.

The question is, why do individuals behave in this manner?

Firestone contends that the reasons behind this are varied and are frequently based on our own deeply ingrained anxieties of connection.

Many people are driven by an unconscious desire to seek out connections that confirm critical attitudes they have had about themselves for a long time and that replay unfavourable portions of their childhoods in their minds.

However, breaking away from old and known routines can give us a tremendous deal of anxiety and pain, as well as make us feel curiously alien and alone in a more loving atmosphere, which can be extremely uncomfortable.

It goes on to add that our anxieties about parting with the image we built of ourselves early on and beginning to perceive ourselves in a more favourable light, on the other hand, make us feel uneasy and may provoke self-attacking thoughts such as, “What do you consider yourself to be? You’re not all that impressive.”

When we have these anxieties, it is possible that we will cling to relationships that have no promise and that we will be attracted to people who aren’t actually accessible, because this will reinforce our negative picture of ourselves, which will seem more comfortable and familiar, if painful.

Therefore, dealing with this issue requires increased self-awareness, introspection, and personal growth in order to determine whether or not I have any toxic patterns of mate selection and/or behavioural patterns that reinforce the very results and relationships that are contrary to my stated preferences.

Having said that, this may not be something that a person can figure out on their own and maybe something that should be discussed with a professional therapist or coach to further explore.

You’re overly finicky.

Additionally, Firestone claims that another reason you’re probably still single is that you’re overly choosy about who you date.

She asserts that our own defences frequently lead to us feeling pickier and more judgemental than we would otherwise be.

We are more likely to believe this when we have had negative experiences, such as being tricked or rejected by someone we had strong feelings for.

Several women, according to Firestone, begin to think notions such as “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones have already been taken.”

Men may also have similar views, such as “You can’t put your trust in a woman” or “Women are trying to take advantage of you,” among others.

As a result, we may have unreasonable expectations for a partner or be able to identify a person’s faults from the moment we meet them.

As a result, when we approach the world with a critical or distrusting attitude, we find ourselves dismissing a wide spectrum of potential mates before ever giving them a chance.

Without even considering the possibility that the person we are dating could make us happy in the long run, we consider dating certain people to be “settling.”

However, it’s possible that we’re not really settling down all that much after all.

It is possible, as Firestone points out, that we will find ourselves in a relationship that is far more gratifying than any other that we have previously experienced.

Ironically, we have a tendency to distrust individuals who truly like us at first, but when we give them a chance, we discover that we have picked someone who appreciates us for who we truly are, someone who has the ability to truly bring us happiness.

You have a low sense of self-worth.

We tend to date on our own level, or at least on our own perception of our own level.

But if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, you may find yourself dating people who aren’t necessarily good candidates for a long-term commitment.

still single

As Firestone points out, many times, when we remain single, it is not for the reasons that we believe to be true for us.

It is frequently the case that our lack of confidence causes us to give off vibes that we are not open, which creates a Catch-22 situation in the world of dating.

For some, making eye contact or scanning the room for someone they might be attracted to is difficult, and even when they do find someone who appeals to them, they may not pursue their greatest feelings for that person because of a lack of confidence in themselves.

The most difficult obstacle to overcome here is not finding more high-quality partners, but rather raising your own self-esteem, because the quality of your dates will naturally reflect this.

You’re accustomed to your routine.

The benefits of feeling comfortable in your own skin and having a routine that works for you are numerous.

However, there is an inherent temptation to be avoided.

As both men and women get more comfortable, whether in terms of financial security or practical convenience, it becomes simpler for them to construct a bubble from which it is difficult to break free.

As a result, it may be more difficult for them to take risks or put themselves out there.

Furthermore, as we’ve seen with males in particular, the older they become, the less enticing it is to break away from their routine, no matter how wonderful the women and attentional partners they meet appear to be.

On Saturday nights, you might enjoy staying in, watching all of the Matrix movies again, and eating frozen pizza.

No way in hell do you want to end up with a partner who prefers to go out for pizza or who dislikes watching movies at home.

The effort required to accommodate them will simply be too much for you.

It will be much easier to avoid the whole “dating thing” altogether.

You’re terrified of intimacy.

Getting close to someone else can be a frightening experience.

They finally find out everything about you. They may even decide to depart at some point in the future.

All of this could be frightening, and as a result, it could serve as a subconscious impediment to finding true love.

The writer, psychologist, and author Robert Firestone, who is also Lisa Firestone’s father, wrote,

“Despite the fact that most of us profess to wish to meet a loving companion, the experience of true love upends romantic dreams that have served as a survival mechanism since infancy…. It is necessary to push away and punish one’s beloved in order to maintain one’s poor self-image and minimise worry.”

Robert Firestone, Psychologist

Firestone makes the point that people’s worries of closeness might present themselves as worry about someone “liking them too much,” which is an admittedly nonsensical reason not to date someone in the first place.

Alternatively, people may punish others away by being critical or even participating in nasty behaviour, so ensuring that they do not receive the love responses that they claim they desire in return.

It is primarily intended to serve as a psychological safety mechanism.

We are apprehensive about allowing someone else in.

To put it another way, we don’t necessarily want the love that we claim to desire on a deeper level.

It isn’t a top priority for you at this time.

In the area of personal growth, there is a notion that energy flows where attention is directed.

However, the reality is that it takes effort to put yourself out there, to make yourself available, and to meet the right person, unless you’re lucky, and that this requires placing a certain amount of emphasis on “finding someone.”

A long-term relationship, on the other hand, may not be in the cards for you right now if you’re more concerned with your job, spending time with friends, and going to the gym.

still single

When your priorities shift, a relationship may be conceivable, but it may not be possible for as long as other things are more essential in your life than a relationship (which is fine by the way).

Manifesting relationships is the subject of another post I wrote recently, and even if you aren’t into the metaphysical, it speaks to the idea of becoming more aware of opportunities when you start focusing on the importance of something, such as relationships, and that thing eventually finding its way into your life.

Perhaps being with someone is simply not that essential to you at this point in your life if you are still single.

Your activities are in direct opposition to the search for a Partner.

You could be single for a variety of reasons, and this is one that is extremely similar to the last one.

It is one thing to express a desire for something; nevertheless, if your actions or behaviours are inconsistent with that goal, it is likely that you will not obtain the outcome you wish in the foreseeable future.

To give an example, no matter how much you want to find the right guy for you and how much you feel lonely, sitting on the couch will not help you find a companion.

There’s no getting around the fact that you will have to interact with other people at some time, put yourself out there, and indicate that you are open to those who are working towards the same goal.

Today’s popular online dating services and apps make this easier than ever, but at some point, you’ll have to get off the sofa and make physical contact with a real live human being.

Some women assume that a man should chase them while they sit back and wait for him to show up.

However, if he is unaware of your existence, he will be unable to give you attention.

still single

Furthermore, he will not pay attention to you (or will only pay attention for a short period of time) if you are playing too hard to get, or conversely, if you are playing too easy and even desperate.

If you want to share your life with someone, you must take steps to locate that person.

Aside from that, it is a fallacy that a woman cannot ask a man out on a date, which I will discuss further below.

Even while I hear many women talk about personal accomplishment, the development of feminism, equality and finding someone, many of them still appear to follow the “old school” standards of waiting for a man to come to her.

If you still don’t believe me, consider the following.

According to BusinessInsider.com, the dating website Match informed Business Insider that only 18% of communications between straight women and straight men on Match are initiated by straight women.

The reason for this could be that those women are fearful of coming out as overly assertive or that they are still sticking to “traditional” societal conventions.

However, according to a separate Match survey, 90% of American males (not just Match members) said they would feel comfortable if a woman approached them and asked them out.

Let that be food for thought.

You’re a difficult person to be around in general.

If you’re still single, another unpleasant and uncomfortable truth you may have to face is that you’re simply too difficult to spend time with.

And no, it has nothing to do with being successful, confident, or having a good time; rather, it has everything to do with how it feels to be in your presence.

The unpalatable truth is that some people are simply more pleasant to be around than others.

If you’re temperamental, bossy, demanding, too shallow, desperate, not genuine, play games, or are generally disagreeable, you’ll have fewer options than other people.

That does not imply that you should not be yourself if being a tough person to be around is what you believe you are, but it is crucial to recognise that you may find yourself alone more frequently than not if this is the case.

As humans, we have a natural tendency to avoid things that pain us, that we don’t appreciate, and that makes us feel bad.

This includes personal relationships with other people.

Accordingly, an uncomfortable issue to explore is not so much why it is so difficult to meet a good guy, but rather whether or if guys find it difficult to be with me.

Now, if you feel like you need a little more food for thought on this subject, I recommend that you check out this recent piece by Dr James Bauer I published about the things that men want (make time to read it).

The fact is that men are fundamentally simple and do not tend to overthink things, therefore it is vital to keep this in mind while interpreting a man’s behaviour in your presence.

If he is interested in you and believes you are worthy of his “pursuit,” you will know because he will not make a big deal about it.

But if you aren’t, his actions will betray him as well.

As a woman, you can be tempted to read too much into the fact that he isn’t texting back (and even come up with excuses for him), why he hasn’t called back yet, whether he had a good day or a bad day, and so forth.

still single

Generally speaking, when it comes to males, their acts are straightforward and never deceive – if you’re willing to look and see the truth, that is.

And, by the way, his inaction is considered to be an action.

The way you present yourself is detracting from your appeal.

If you want to attract a partner, whether you like it or not, physical appearance is quite important when it comes to success.

But, before you conclude that this is a purely male phenomenon, consider the following: it is not!

An article on PsychologyToday.com by Gwendolyn Seidman debunks the persistent idea that men place considerably greater value on a partner’s physical appearance than they do on women’s physical attractiveness.

Furthermore, according to Seidman, this myth is built on a kernel of truth that is not widely accepted.

She points out that numerous studies have found that when men and women are asked which attributes they desire in a spouse, males place a higher value on physical beauty than women do.

However, a closer look at the data reveals that both men and women believe appearances are essential, with males placing a somewhat higher value on appearances than women.

Seidman’s makes it quite evident that both genders place a great value on physical beauty, despite the fact that it is not the most essential factor.

Seidman, on the other hand, points out that this data only relates to what men and women think they are searching for in a partner or spouse.

The results of the research reveal a lot about the types of persons that men and women choose to date.

As Seidman points out, there is a classic study on interpersonal attraction in which college students were randomly matched with blind dates, and for both men and women, physical attractiveness was the most important characteristic that predicted whether or not someone would be interested in a second date, according to the findings.

Nevertheless, in a more recent study, researchers looked at the preferences of college students who were taking part in a speed-dating competition.

When asked how essential different attributes would be in making their selections prior to their speed dates, the students revealed the expected gender discrepancies, with women considering physical appearance as less important than men.

However, when the researchers looked at who the participants actually chose during the event, the gender disparity was no longer present: Both men and women favoured physically beautiful spouses, with no difference between the sexes in how much physical attractiveness influenced their decisions.

Seidman finds that both men and women claim to appreciate appearance, with males claiming to value it slightly more than women, but not significantly more, and that a study of real dating decisions reveals that both genders are equally enraptured by physical appeal.

still single

Now that you’ve heard all of that, the question is: what can you do to increase your perceived attractiveness?

According to an article on BusinessInsider.com, the goal is to dispel the idea that you can’t improve your physical attractiveness by changing your appearance.

Second, start paying attention to what research tells us about the most attractive features in women and start acting on that information.

Here’s a fantastic article from TheList.com about “Surprising Traits Men Find Attractive,” which includes items such as the following:

  • Blue eyes (but only sometimes)
  • An “older” appearance
  • Similar characteristics to parents
  • The right sense of humour
  • The right head tilt
  • Taking hunter-gatherer risks
  • Ovulation
  • The perfect WHR (waist-to-hip-ratio, which does not relate to actual total weight)
  • Personality
  • Average features
  • Good hair
  • Perfect smile

Additionally, in another article, they also include a list of this guys can find unattractive about women.

This includes things like:

  • Wearing a ton of makeup can be off-putting
  • Extreme makeovers could make you look unattractive
  • Being a gossip is unattractive
  • Having no life can make guys think you’re unattractive
  • Being excessively confident can be unattractive to some
  • Having no purpose or ambition seems unattractive
  • Bad-mouthing your ex is not a good look
  • Being a Negative Nelly is seriously unattractive
  • Being catty to other girls
  • Men don’t always like a high-pitched voice
  • being too needy
  • playing hard to get to be unattractive
  • Being a damsel in distress isn’t too attractive
  • Having overly styled hair isn’t always a good thing
  • Wearing too much perfume
  • Being a party girl can be unattractive
  • Being “high maintenance” could make you appear unattractive to guys

Of course, one must recognise these lists for what they are: generic guidelines rather than hard and fast laws.

There are always exceptions to the norm, and each individual is unique.

But keeping some of them in mind as general principles could be advantageous.

Your self-presentation communicates the exact opposite of what you believe or seek to communicate.

The field of social psychology claims that humans, in general, are typically highly competent at person perception, often known as the process of learning about other people and that our brains are structured to aid us in making quick decisions about others.

According to some experts, infants prefer to look at the faces of people rather than other visual patterns, and youngsters quickly learn to distinguish between people and their emotional expressions when they see them.

We can also identify and remember a potentially infinite number of people as we traverse our social surroundings as adults, and we can create impressions about those others rapidly and without much effort, as we navigate our social environments as adults.

Moreover, most experts agree that our first perceptions are, at the very least, surprisingly correct in some circumstances.

So, if you’re still single and wondering why you should consider the following question:

What does your self-presentation cause strangers and potential suits to perceive about you in a social context, such as a bar, and how can you change that perception?

Your perception of yourself may be different from what others perceive as your initial impressions, and you may not even be aware of it.

Regarding the prior article in the New Zealand Herald by influencer Jana Hocking, which stated that men do not want to date successful and capable women, the social media comments offered a different perspective.

As an example, one individual wrote, “It is narcissistic, high maintenance, and superficial…. That is not my own words; rather, it is the words of my girlfriend!”

One other man observed, “It’ll be difficult for her to find a person who likes her as much as she likes herself, I’m sure.”

“Well, men don’t like to date psychos, so how about a story about that,” another bloke said.

There were hundreds of comments on the article.

Now, why am I bringing this up again?

Many of these comments support an important psychological point:

First impressions, which tend to be fairly accurate according to psychology, influence our perception and, consequently, our subsequent perception of someone, whether they are correct or incorrect.

I don’t know Jana personally, and most others who read the article or looked at her photos don’t either.

But the real issue here isn’t whether people know her or not, but what impression they have of her because it influences subsequent judgments and responses.

We are, after all, emotional, reactive humans who are not generally logical.

It sucks, but that’s how it works it seems.

It’s important to note here, though, that what we assume we’re projecting is frequently not what others are receiving and ultimately feeling about us, and this can make a significant difference if you’re trying to attract a suitor.

Yes, you can blame “them” (whoever they are) for being “blind” to all of your virtues and wonderful qualities, but if you’re still single or appear to have a history of ending up alone on a frequent basis, you must also have the courage to ask yourself, “What is my contribution to all of this?”

“Is it true that I’m conveying or projecting what I believe I am, or is my general demeanour doing more harm than good to my relationship status than I’d want to acknowledge it is?”

“In fact, is it possible that it’s not my achievements or successes that are off-putting, but rather my projected social image?”

Final Thoughts

If you’re still single or have been for a long period of time, but you’ve expressed an interest in being in a relationship, I sympathise with your situation.

To be alone when you really want to be with your own particular someone is a pain in the arse.

I’m also aware that things are difficult out there right now, and that things are not equally difficult for everyone.

However, it should be noted that if you truly want to end your dating stalemate and find someone you can fall in love with, it is likely that your approach will require some adjustment as well.

Rather than succumbing to a sense of helplessness and giving up, engage in some introspection, be honest with yourself, and make a few adjustments to your situation.

You never know what kind of rippling effect a single small modification can have.

Work with what you’ve got, stay open to love, be the greatest version of yourself, maintain your standards, and, most importantly, learn to appreciate life on your own because if you can’t be enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.

And it appears that the Universe is concerned with this sort of thing.

About the author 

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a renowned relationship blog that ranks among the top 50 relationship blogs in 2024. The website shares valuable insights on creating healthy relationships life. Gideon holds a Master's degree in theological studies and transitioned into professional counseling more than a decade ago. In addition, he since completed post-graduate studies in Psychology at Massey University. With over seventeen years of marriage to his wife and two children, Gideon brings both professional and personal experience to his relationship advice. His articles have been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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