Acknowledging Your Spouse Does Not Deny You

by Gideon Hanekom
July 15, 2021

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Acknowledging the fact that your spouse has specific needs does not disclaim yours nor deny you.

Appreciating that your spouse’s needs might be slightly unique from yours, sometimes undeniably true, does not mean you do not value nor have similar needs.

Just because your husband desires your respect more than your affection does not imply nor mean you don’t need nor want his respect. Neither does it mean he devalues attentiveness.

Just because your wife experiences listening as the solution to her problems more than your attempts to fix things, does not imply nor mean you never want to be listened to. Neither does it suggest that she detests solutions.

But therein lies the problem for many couples it seems.

Often when couples are exploring ways to deepen their relationship with each other, the conversation inevitably highlights our spouse’s needs, yet, not for long as we automatically shift the focus back onto ourselves.

It seems that so many of us are so afraid of missing out when we consider our spouse’s needs that we always ineluctably circle back to “what about my needs?”

Deepening a relationship does not start with your needs but the needs of the other.

It is in this process of serving the other in ways that meet their unique needs uniquely, even when reciprocation is uncertain, that the possibility of reciprocal love is sparked.

Acknowledging your spouse’s needs does not disclaim yours. We know that.

Understand that love and fear cannot coexist.

For where fear is, love is not.

And where love is, fear won’t be.

About the author 

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of, a renowned relationship blog that ranked among the top 50 relationship blogs and top 100 marriage blogs in 2021. The blog is dedicated to providing valuable insights on cultivating healthy relationships and love in daily life. Gideon holds a Master's degree in theological studies and transitioned into professional counseling almost a decade ago. In addition, he completed graduate and post-graduate studies in Psychology at Massey University. With over seventeen years of marriage to his wife and two children, Gideon brings both professional and personal experience to his relationship advice. His articles have been featured on respected platforms such as and The Good Men Project.

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