What Is Relationship Coaching?

Yes, absolutely!

The honest answer is, it depends. There’s no one size fits all answer because every couple and person are unique.

If you’ve read many of my free blog articles, bought any of my e-books, consumed the plethora of content I post on social media daily, then you may only need one session to find your way.

Also, if your relationship is generally in good shape, but you’re struggling to get on the same page, or feel stuck, or life is getting in the way, you may only need 3 or 4 sessions.

However, if your relationship is volatile, feels suffocating, there is a lot of uncertainty, or you’ve suffered an affair, then you may be looking at least 8 sessions (minimum).

If you’re still unsure about how many sessions you need, please contact me here to arrange a quick (free, no-obligation) call where we can chat and assess what you need.

My focus is helping people improve their love relationships. But, in saying that, I also know that life is an intricate web of complexities at the best of times. Therefore, I also help people with whatever issues are keeping them from creating the relationship(s) they want. These things can include:

• Mindset
• Emotional Management
• Health
• Other Relationships
• Kids
• Habits
• Money
• and so on.

Yes.

Many people are actually more comfortable opening up emotionally when they cannot see the person they are talking with.

Even though you know what I look like.

Experience has taught me that many people need a session or two during which being vulnerable face to face with a stranger can feel awkward and scary (this is especially true for men). So working over the phone or even a video call eliminates this obstacle and can actually speed up our work.

It also has other advantages, like being able to work together even when one of you is travelling. You can be in separate locations and both attend our Zoom call simultaneously.

Also, by doing it online (or via the phone), you cut out any travelling related stresses, issues with parking, and unnecessary wasted time.

That is a very common and good question.

Here’s a simplified summary of the main differences.

MARRIAGE COUNSELLING / THERAPY

Marriage counselling is a type of psychotherapy for a married couple or established partners that try to resolve problems in the relationship. Typically, two people attend counselling sessions to discuss specific issues. Marriage counselling is based on research that shows that individuals and their problems are best handled within the context of their relationships. Marriage counsellors are typically trained in psychotherapy (e.g. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, ACT) and family systems and focus on understanding their clients’ symptoms and the way their interactions contribute to problems in the relationship. Research indicates that marriage counselling’s efficacy is often influenced by how long a couple waits to get help.

ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING

Online Relationship counselling is a form of talk therapy that helps couples of all types recognise and resolve conflicts in order to improve their relationship.

ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COACHING

Relationship coaching provides insight, clarity, tools, feedback, and accountability to the couple about how their behaviour affects the other person and how it could be changed. It is the newest of the three. Anyone can call themselves a relationship coach without having received any formal training, having ever been in a relationship themselves, or with very little life experience. Many people think that since a coach is “certified” (which by the way is not a requirement), they can expect expert help. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

WHAT I DO

I am a trained professional counsellor (New Zealand Institute of Professional Counselling), a trained hypnotherapist, have a Masters degree in the field of Theology, have studied at the Robbins-Madanes Institute of Strategic Intervention, and am currently studying psychology (Massey University) and working towards becoming a registered general psychologist. 

Most importantly, however, I’m a husband of over 14 years and a dad of two.

I used to see clients one-on-one and in-person but work with clients mostly online nowadays (including phone). I sometimes still refer to myself as a counsellor because the couples I work with understand what that means.

But here’s how my approach differs from marriage therapy or relationship counselling:

1. I Focus on Relationship Dynamics and Not on Fixing You.

Instead of focusing on fixing you, I focus on your relationship.

I treat your relationship as a system – a living organism made up of two people (more if kids are involved).

And like any living organism, it has certain basic needs to survive and thrive. When these needs are not met, ignored, or even threatened, the organism (i.e. the relationship) starts to break down and even run the risk of dying. Conversely, when the needs are met, the relationship feels secure, has a lot of certainty and predictability, becomes playful, feels harmonious, individuals feel connected, and the relationship grows.

So, I work to help you get clarity on what each individual needs, how those needs can be met best, what’s preventing those needs from being met, and how to overcome the obstacles preventing a couple from creating their best relationship.

2. I Coach You to Become the Expert in Your Own Relationship.

The second way that my approach is different is that I truly believe, based on experience, that many people need more insight, knowledge, understanding and training, rather than therapy.

So many couples are a danger to their relationships, not because of ill intent, but ignorance. They simply do not have the skills or insight to create a great relationship because nobody has ever taught them. Most people, in my experience, simply perpetuate examples and patterns from their childhood.

My coaching approach aims to challenge and change that.

As a happily married husband myself, I live and breathe relationship research to be the best version I can be in my own marriage and for my wife. Additionally, as a trained professional counsellor, I’ve done far more training than a weekend certification after which I call myself a relationship coach.

I can coach you on some of the main therapeutic modalities that are backed by clinical research (like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), as well as share with you a wealth of knowledge from the trenches (i.e. having been happily married myself for a long time).

I will teach you the stuff I’ve learned that actually works in creating a happy, healthy, and intimate relationship so that when we are finished, you will have enough insight and skills to self-correct in your relationship in the future.

3. Connection First, Communication Second.

The final way that my approach is oftentimes different from relationship counselling, is that I don’t start with improving communication.

A lack of communication or poor communication, in my understanding and experience, is not the main reason for your relationship troubles. A lack of connection is.

Whenever a couple starts losing connection with each other (sometimes called emotional distancing or disconnect), everything else starts breaking down. Communication included.

Conventional wisdom says that if you can communicate effectively, you will feel connected. Now, even though that might be true and a healthy relationship, it is not necessarily true in a struggling one. My experience has shown me that if I teach a couple some communication skills before they feel connected again, they just end up fighting with better weapons.

Conversely, however, when a couple learns to connect with each other again, improved communication becomes a natural outflow of that. It’s funny how couples who feel deeply connected with each other rarely seem to have issues communicating.

I also follow this approach because I have learned that men typically respond adversely to a communication first approach. This is due to more physiological differences than psychological. Talking about tough stuff simply trigger a different response in men than in women.

So, I focus on getting a couple connected first.  I teach them a couple of important distinctions of how men and women connect differently (also what breaks connection), how they can use it in their own relationship, as well as what they need to work on more if they want to be successful long-term.

Ready to get started?