October 17, 2021 |Gideon Hanekom

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According to relationship advice in the bible, understanding why men need respect in a relationship and women need love is one of the more powerful principles a couple can learn for beating persistent problems while creating a happy, healthy and intimate love relationship.

Now, you don’t have to be a believer or religious person to appreciate the importance of ancient wisdom for us today.

Since the time of Adam and Eve, relationship advice in the bible has alluded to the notion that men require respect in order to love the women in their lives, and women require love in order to respect the men in their lives.

This need and desire have remained constant regardless of the size of the house or the number of automobiles in the garage.

Even the most assured man can break under the weight of badly selected words from the woman he loves.

During his many years as a psychotherapist, Dr Emerson Eggerich discovered this aspect in male-female relationships.

He formed his notion of love and respect through observing and learning from his patients and relationship advice in the bible.

Men must love their spouses, and wives must respect their husbands, as Paul instructs in the Bible.

These are non-reversible instructions.

There is no place in the Biblical scriptures where wives are told to love and men to respect.

This is not to say that women do not desire men’s respect in their life.

In fact, they seek and deserve respect.

However, they do not require respect in order to love.

On the other hand, a man will find it extremely difficult to love his partner if she does not respect him (we’ll come back to this).

The Eggerichs’ conducted research with over 500 men and asked the following question:

“When I’m engaged in a disagreement with my wife, I’m more likely to feel:

A. That my wife currently does not respect me.
B. That my wife does not currently love me.”

The findings indicated that 81.5% of men felt disrespected during an argument or conflict.

Unfortunately, many of the occasions they felt disrespectful occurred during a dialogue in which the women were attempting to express, in their own unique way, either their own needs or changes they believe will help him become a better man.

Men, by nature, are “fixers,” but they do not want to be fixed by their spouses.

That means that if you approach your man with an issue at work or with the family, he is more than likely to give a workable solution.

He is a fixer and wishes to provide for the woman he loves (by repairing).

However, unless a woman approaches the problem gently and respectfully, he may end up feeling disrespected when she wishes to fix anything for him.

The problematic aspect of the situation is that men find it more difficult to love than they do to show respect.

Women supposedly find it easier to love than it is for them to offer respect.

However, in order to build your relationship, you must remain committed to challenging yourself and venturing outside of your comfort zone.

Only in this manner will you be able to offer your spouse what they desire in order to provide you with what you desire.

Defining respect

Men need respect in their life in order to return with their own love and respect.

They evaluate themselves on the basis of who they are, what they do, and their level of success.

Even when all three of those factors are present, men might be discouraged and rejected by a few harsh words spoken by the one they love.

However, it might be challenging to grasp how to demonstrate functional respect for your partner.

They may feel disrespectful at times, even though you meant nothing by what you said.

Here are a few methods to demonstrate your respect for your partner without going overboard and raising suspicions that you’re being insincere.

And, most importantly, it’s critical that you DO respect your partner because if you don’t, he’ll quickly catch on and it’ll hurt more than the contempt.

He’ll assume you’re manipulating him in order to obtain what you want, and it’d be unsurprising if he walked out the door.

Choose your words wisely.

One of the primary ways we demonstrate respect for our relationships is through our words and silences.

When we are upset, our words pour out quickly and without thought.

Consider the emotions that motivate your hostility.

Are you truly offended by what occurred, or do you wish they were more sensitive to your feelings and needs?

Excessive yelling and screaming will have the opposite effect of what you’re attempting to accomplish.

That’s the time to remove yourself from the situation until you are no longer upset and can speak calmly.

Recognise his contributions

Another critical approach to demonstrate respect for your partner is to recognise their contributions to the relationship and to the home.

We all disappoint one another at times, but there are also times when we rise to the occasion and make constructive contributions.

Even if you’re frustrated or furious, keep an eye out for the things they do right and acknowledge them.

You’ll discover that honey attracts more than vinegar.

Avoid criticism (complaining is fine)

Couples frequently have difficulty discerning between constructive criticism and expressing a complaint.

When someone is criticised, they often feel assaulted, rejected and humiliated.

This can have disastrous consequences.

Many couples turn to criticism because they are concerned that if they agree to stop criticising each other, they would be unable to have a talk about broken commitments or agreements.

However, consider the following scenario: your partner chooses to leave his or her clothing and towels on the floor rather than putting them in the hamper.

In criticism, you attack your partner by saying things like, “You are lazy” or “You never clean up after yourself.”

If, on the other hand, you say, “I would greatly appreciate it if you would put your clothing in the hamper,” you are expressing dissatisfaction, i.e., complaining.

Your partner’s character is attacked when you criticise them.

The act of labelling your partner as lazy or pointing out a negative personality defect is considered a form of criticism because you are judging your partner as a whole.

A complaint that is focused on a specific action or behaviour and asks for a different action or behaviour, on the other hand, is not the same as criticism.

To drive this point home even further, never (ever) show contempt for your spouse in public or private.

In either case, it will be detrimental to your emotional bond and disastrous for your relationship in the long run.

Why Men Need Respect in a Relationship

Never degrade, speak down to, or become enraged with your partner in any way.

Does women craving love exclude wanting respect

When women hear that men require respect and women crave love, they frequently object by stating that they, too, desire respect.

I understand that, I would too.

The most straightforward way to comprehend this ostensibly exclusionary concept is that for a woman, love is respect while for a man, respect equals love.

When a woman feels genuinely loved, she will naturally feel respected, as being loved is at the core of what she desires.

By default, when a woman feels loved by someone, she also feels protected, seen by her partner, sexually desired and attractive, respected for who she is, and most importantly, trust in her man.

Thus, trustworthiness is a critical factor in defining a woman’s love experience.

If her trust is damaged or she feels untrustworthy of a man, her love is immediately and strongly affected by this.

To be relaxed enough to open up to another person, a woman must feel appreciated.

However, this feeling of love encompasses a variety of things, including a sense of safety, stability, predictability, security, a sense of trust, being adored and desired, feeling seen and heard, that her opinion matters, that she is a priority and not an afterthought, and that she is not required to apologise for who she is but can be herself openly, vulnerable, and completely.

In comparison, men simply want to be respected; they want to feel relevant, appreciated, and successful in her eyes.

Couples who understand this interwoven equilibrium can ensure that they provide each other with what they need while also avoiding things that will upset the balance.

Men desiring respect and women wanting love is not an exclusionary notion.

It is highlighting the main complexity that can save a marriage a great deal of sorrow and provide years of marital joy.

Give your spouse the “love” they need most

Ultimately, one can debate why men need respect in a relationship and women need love while missing the most crucial element about loving someone in a relationship.

Genuine love is a decision.

If you don’t get that genuinely loving someone is ultimately a decision rather than fleeting feelings, you will never stand a chance of creating nor sustaining a happy and successful relationship that lasts.

It just won’t happen.

At the end of the day, those sensations of attraction and lust will evolve and, if you are fortunate enough to maintain the relationship, will be replaced by emotions that are very near to caring profoundly for the other person and loving them at the expense of loving yourself.

Fundamentally, true love requires you to put your partner’s needs and desires ahead of your own.

That means that no matter how you feel about the type of “love” your spouse needs most to feel loved most, genuinely loving them means loving them in the way that they want.

women need love

Now, that may be the last thing you want to hear, but it requires conscious effort to maintain the right type of attitude in a relationship that’s necessary for lasting happiness and success.

It is critical that you maintain a good attitude and focus your attention on the positive aspects of your relationship and the core needs of your spouse.

Loving your spouse the way that you want to be loved might seem like common sense and the right thing to do, but it can also be a mistake.

It is very easy to end up in a situation where you love your spouse with everything you’ve got, only to still discover that it falls short because you haven’t “loved” them in a way that they desire must.

A spouse who truly cares about you will prioritise your needs over their own, even their own understanding of what “love” means or what type is expected.

They will encourage you to pursue your aspirations and desires and will be present when you require support.

Love is not merely an emotion; it is manifested in a plethora of small actions that we observe every day.

At the end of the day, understanding why men need respect in a relationship and women need love is relevant.

What is significant and critical is that they do, which means you now possess the keys to the kingdom.

What you do with it is entirely up to you.

About the author

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a popular relationship blog that ranks among the top 50 relationship blogs in 2024. The website helps couples to create happier, healthier, and more intimate relationships. Gideon is a trained professional counsellor and holds post-graduate degrees in Theology and Psychology. His articles have also been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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