June 9, 2024 |Gideon Hanekom

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Intro to Understanding Sexual Tension

Here’s the long and short of it: keeping sexual tension in your marriage isn’t just about staying hot as a couple—it’s crucial for building a deeper connection with your partner over time.

It’s a simple equation, really:

Without sexual tension, intimacy will wane…

Without intimacy, your connection will decline…

Without connection, your relationship will suffer to the point of drifting apart and eventual breakup.

Unfortunately, sexual tension in relationships can be (feel) complex, and many couples don’t know how to sustain it in the long term.

Once the dating days are over or the early honeymoon phase in marriage, that’s it…game over!

To understand this tension, though, we need to dive into the dynamics of human sexuality and the factors that influence it in a relationship.

This means recognizing subtle cues, body language, and verbal communication that can either intensify or reduce this tension between partners.

Moreover, it’s important to acknowledge consent, boundaries, and open communication in a relationship to ensure this tension is handled respectfully and consensually.

The goal, however, is that by understanding this energy, couples can harness its power to strengthen their bond and enhance their intimate experiences.

In the end, creating sexual tension in relationships, especially long-term ones, requires balancing playfulness and intimacy consistently and constantly over time.

So, in this post, I will share what relationship expert Alex Allman teaches men about sexual tension and how to keep seducing your wife, even after years of marriage.

Romantic couple in love with sexual tension have fun sailing in the sea standing on yacht deck enjoy amazing view

But these principles apply to dating as well.

And if you’re a woman reading this, these ideas can be great conversation starters with your partner.

But, first – what IS sexual tension?

The Essence of Sexual Tension

Sexual tension is the heightened emotional and physiological response that arises between individuals who are sexually attracted to each other. It often involves a mix of anticipation, excitement, and a kind of friction or electricity.

From a psychological perspective, sexual tension is connected to the brain’s reward and arousal systems, involving a complex interplay of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which create feelings of pleasure and desire.

Consequently, the anticipation of a potential romantic or sexual interaction can elevate these feelings, creating an emotional and physiological high that many couples can attest to.

Certain experts, such as Esther Perel, Tony Robbins, and Alex Allman, also emphasize different aspects of relationship dynamics but largely agree on a few core principles.

Novelty and Uncertainty

Esther Perel talks about the necessity of maintaining a sense of mystery and distance in relationships to foster eroticism.

According to her, desire requires space and individuality; it’s in the gap between partners where desire is ignited.

Tony Robbins and Alex Allman also note that novelty and the unknown play significant roles in keeping the connection alive.

Robbins often discusses the need to “up the ante” regarding emotional engagement and surprises to maintain excitement.

Polarity

Tony Robbins also focuses on the concept of energetic polarity between masculine and feminine energies.

He suggests that sexual attraction is particularly driven by these opposing forces, and maintaining a dynamic balance between them is key to sustaining long-term passion.

Alex Allman echoes this, highlighting the idea of creating sexual tension by tapping into one’s intrinsic masculine or feminine energies.

For him, this involves actions and behaviours that emphasize these roles, regardless of gender.

Communication

Esther Perel also emphasizes the importance of communicating desires and boundaries.

She insists that good sexual communication enriches the connection and helps dispel unnecessary fears and misunderstandings.

Alex Allman particularly focuses on sexual communication skills, ensuring that both partners are not just talking but truly understanding and resonating with each other’s needs and fantasies.

Now, regardless of which perspective you take on this, the main takeaway is that sexual tension is vital in romantic relationships and foundational in long-term ones.

Our ability to maintain this energy while being with someone for a long time plays an integral part in sustaining sexual intimacy and satisfaction.

So,

Importance of Sexual Tension in Long-Term Relationships

Sexual tension is essential for long-term relational well-being.

Experts like Perel, Robbins, and Allman agree that it plays a vital role in keeping the spark alive.

Here are some reasons why:

  • Keeps Attraction Alive: Remember the excitement of those early days when everything felt new and thrilling? Sexual tension helps bring back that excitement. It’s like adding a bit of spice to your relationship, making you feel those butterflies again.
  • Creates Anticipation: When you flirt and tease, it builds a sense of anticipation. You both start looking forward to those intimate moments, making them even more special and enjoyable.
  • Strengthens Emotional Bond: Playful interactions, like teasing and affectionate touches, help deepen your emotional connection. It’s not just about the physical aspect; it’s about feeling closer and more connected to your partner.
  • Breaks the Routine: Long-term relationships can sometimes fall into a routine. Sexual tension shakes things up a bit, making everyday life more exciting and less predictable.
  • Boosts Confidence: When your partner flirts with you, it makes you feel attractive and desired. This boost in confidence can have a positive impact on your overall relationship.
  • Improves Communication: Engaging in playful teasing and flirtation encourages better communication. It’s a fun way to express your feelings and desires, leading to a deeper understanding of each other.

In a nutshell, keeping sexual tension alive in a long-term relationship is like continuously dating your partner.

It’s about making each other feel special, desired, and loved, just like you did in the beginning.

It almost echoes Tony Robbins’s popular saying that if you do what you did at the start of your relationship, you won’t have an end.

Young couple in love outdoor.Stunning sensual outdoor portrait of young stylish fashion couple posing in summer.

Key Points: Building Attraction and Sexual Tension in Relationships

  • Relationship expert Alex Allman says it’s easier for men to initiate sex on a date than in a long-term relationship.
  • Creating sexual tension in relationships requires generating attraction, flirting, and teasing.
  • He suggests that teasing and playfulness are important in flirting and building attraction.
  • He advises against teasing someone about sensitive topics, but rather in areas where they have confidence.

Teasing and Seduction Techniques for Men

  • Alex Allman also discusses ways to create polarity in a relationship, including physical displays of dominance and restraint.
  • He highlights the importance of connecting with the feminine aspect of oneself and others, and how this can be done by seeing the beauty and divinity in every woman.
  • He further provides tips on how to create sexual tension and reignite passion in a long-term relationship, including using fresh eyes and treating one’s partner like a new lover.

For more insights on how to seduce your wife, you can watch his full video below.

The video highlights several key ideas, which I’d like to unpack a bit more.

Sexual Tension in Relationships

Alex says that it is easier for men who are on a date to initiate sex with a woman for the first time than it is for a man who’s been married for 10 years.

It’s counterintuitive because, on a date, a man feels he has so much at stake and so much could go wrong.

He’s stressed and worried about blowing it, but the truth is, he has nothing to lose.

It’s just a date.

The Role of Novelty and Mystery

The simple fact of sexual tension on a date or in a very new relationship is automatically supplied by the novelty, mystery, and butterflies.

It’s actually his feeling that it’s something hard to do that makes it easier.

You actually have to really blow it big time for there not to be sexual tension when you’re out on a date.

Generating Sexual Tension in Long-Term Relationships

In a long-term relationship, the opposite is true.

Sexual tension isn’t there unless you create it.

This is where real seduction comes into play.

It has nothing to do with novelty or mystery but with your own ability to create attraction through your sexuality, flirting, teasing, and holding your depth of masculinity in the face of her uncertainties, emotions, and tests.

That’s a mouthful, so let’s expand on it a bit.

It’s important to understand that the depth of masculinity, as discussed by relationship experts like Alex Allman, is not about reverting to outdated stereotypes or demonstrating machismo but rather about embracing one’s own confidence, emotional strength, and vulnerability.

This allows for a genuine connection to occur in a relationship that respects both partners’ complexities and desires.

What he’s talking about is really creating polarity in the relationship.

Creating Polarity in the Relationship

In essence, polarity is essential in keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships.

It involves understanding and appreciating the dynamic differences between masculine and feminine energies, regardless of gender, and by consciously engaging in behaviours that enhance this polarity, couples can amplify attraction and sexual tension.

For instance, adopting physical displays of masculine “power” can be matched with moments of tenderness and restraint, offering a balance that keeps the relationship exciting and unpredictable and rejuvenates the essential elements of discovery and surprise that often characterise the early stages of romance.

Happy attractive couple fighting with pillows in bed

However, achieving and maintaining this balance requires a high level of self-awareness and intentionality from both partners.

It usually requires ongoing effort to avoid complacency or taking the other’s presence and affection for granted.

This is also where communication plays a pivotal role.

Openly discussing desires, boundaries, and even fears can cultivate a deeper understanding and respect that feeds into the relationship’s erotic charge.

The challenge is doing this in the context of building a life together, which inevitably brings the challenges of everyday life, with monotony and boredom often being the major threats to sexual tension.

Bridging Everyday Life and Sexual Intimacy

When you’re in a relationship and trying to transition from everyday activities, like putting the kids to bed or doing the dinner dishes, it’s important to do things that bridge the gap.

This bridge often comes in the form of playfulness, tenderness, or nonsexual loving touch.

Having a lot of this within the relationship context usually ensures she doesn’t feel guarded around touch and sensuality.

The Importance of Playfulness and Teasing

If she feels every time you touch her, it’s because she has to put out, it becomes stressful; stress plus a woman does not equal sex, I can tell you that.

Instead, incorporate playful and loving touch regularly.

a man touching a woman's face

For example, when she’s doing something ordinary, like folding laundry, you could come up behind her, loop your arms around her waist, and almost kiss the back of her neck without any expectation in that moment, just letting your breath warm her skin.

This kind of playful interaction creates sexual tension and makes the relationship fun.

Building Attraction

Teasing and playfulness are essential parts of flirting.

If your wife is super pretty, call her funny names like “pumpkin nose” and then tickle her (unless she hates being tickled).

Just make sure not to tease about something she’s sensitive about.

Tease her in the domain where she has confidence.

If she’s smart with a Ph.D., call her a “dumb-dumb.”

If she’s beautiful, call her “pumpkin nose.”

However, I would argue that sharing moments of genuine appreciation and admiration is equally important.

This not only reinforces the connection between partners but also contributes to the sense of sexual attraction.

Compliments should go beyond physical attributes, emphasising character, achievements, and the idiosyncrasies that make your partner uniquely attractive.

Creating a multifaceted approach to building sexual tension and attraction definitely involves playfulness and naughtiness, but it also involves acknowledging and celebrating both the mind and body, which in turn nurtures a holistic connection.

Displaying Masculine Strength

Additionally, displaying your masculine strength, like picking her up or holding her wrists down (gently), can also create polarity.

When you hold her wrists, make it just tight enough to give her something to struggle against but not so tight that she feels trapped.

This playful struggle can be fun and sexy for her.

Passionate Kissing

On the topic of kissing, kissing passionately is not about how hard or fast you kiss but about your depth of sexual attraction for her. Let her feel your lust and the softness of your lips. This is vital.

Smile at her with all the love in your heart.

It’s about feeling the passion, not just doing it.

And that passion is communicated not only through the intensity of your kiss but also through the tenderness in your eyes and the gentle handling of her body.

a man and woman kissing

However, it’s crucial to ensure that all forms of touch, playful or intense, are welcomed and consensual—yes, even in marriage!

Observing and respecting your partner’s comfort levels, asking for consent, and maintaining an open dialogue about preferences can enhance intimacy.

Creating a safe space where both partners feel they can express their likes, dislikes, and boundaries without judgment is fundamental.

Adapting to Her Response

Always pay attention to her reactions and adapt accordingly.

You’re on the right track if she laughs and reciprocates or leads.

But if she seems uncomfortable or asks you to stop, it’s important to respect her wishes immediately.

This attentive approach shows that you care about her feelings and well-being, which is itself a powerful aphrodisiac.

Balancing Intimacy and Respect

Remember, the aim is to build mutual sexual tension, attraction and desire while fostering an environment of respect and mutual consent.

Each relationship is unique, and what works for one couple might not work for another.

Authentic Presence

Remember, even if you’ve been together for years, date her as if you just met.

Be present enough to see her with fresh eyes, appreciating the aspect of every attractive woman that lives inside her.

Make it as fun to be married to you as it was to be dating you.

This can be challenging, but that’s one of the goals.

Final Thoughts: Getting The Love Life You Want?

Let me ask you, ” What love life do you want?”

Wild, untamed, primal, sweaty, sexual and passionate?

Tender, loving, deeply heart connected?

Authenticity, integrity, and trust?

More often, more casual, and easy?

Whatever YOU want from your sex life (particularly if you’re not currently getting it that way), is going to require that you get an OTHER human enrolled in your plan!

You probably want to get good at expressing your deepest desires in a way that is most likely to get that other person turned on and saying “YES!” to whatever you have in mind…

You want to get good at making your partner feel at ease and open about their deepest sexual secrets and desires…

You want to get good at dealing with those self-sabotaging pangs of insecurity, inadequacy, and neediness that are the direct obstacle to your ability to get good at the things above…

And you want to get really good at creating that magnetic, pulsing undercurrent of desire and tension that we call “sexual polarity” with your wife/husband of many years.

The funny truth is that most humans are terrible at Sexual Communication, and when we find a partner who’s skilled at it, it’s like winning the sex/relationship lottery. 

Everything is easier and more fun, and it makes it easier for us to set aside our insecurities and anxiety.

Most of the time, when you get better at Sexual Communication, not only does your sex life get better, not only do your relationships become more real, trustable, and enjoyable, but you also give a huge gift to your partner/s.

Well, there is now an EASY WAY to get really good at this skill really fast… and become more attractive and desirable to the opposite sex AND have an easier, more satisfying relationship with someone you love and desire.

Interested?

Fill in your info below to learn more about the Art Of Sexual Communication by Alex Allman, which will transform your life.

You will discover, amongst other things, how to:

  • Build instant attraction and sexual polarity.
  • Talk freely and openly about “hard issues” in a way that doesn’t trigger defensiveness (and deepens real trust and intimacy).
  • Communicate about sexual desires — both YOURS and THEIRS — in a way that’s truthful, vulnerable, and yet still sexy and enticing for your partner to “buy in.”
  • Overcome insecurities, neediness, and fears when you’re unsure if he/she is on the same page with what you want.
  • Maintain and re-establish sexual polarity and desire in long-term relationships.

Learn How To Unlock Your Woman’s Sexual Desires

Let Alex Allman show you how to feel more connected and satisfied in your intimate relationships by mastering the art of sexual communication in the next 24hours!

About the author

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a popular relationship blog that ranks among the top 50 relationship blogs in 2024. The website helps couples to create happier, healthier, and more intimate relationships. Gideon is a trained professional counsellor and holds post-graduate degrees in Theology and Psychology. His articles have also been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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