What is the Best Way to Make Him Express His Feelings?

by Gideon Hanekom
October 12, 2017

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One of the biggest complaints women have is the inability of some men to share their feelings and express themselves authentically and transparently. So, what is the best way to make him express his feelings? 

The first thing you need to understand is the fact that men and women are very different from one another.

I read about this study in the Daily Mail where neurologists used magnetic resonance imaging (radio-wave scans that produce detailed images of the inside of the body) to study the brains of almost 1,000 volunteers.

They found that the differences between the genders were so profound that men and women might almost be separate species.

A big part of getting him to express his feelings is accepting this fact.

He is different from you.

Really, really different.

And you will either have to learn to live with that reality or move on.

His biological and masculine makeup won’t change.

make him express his feelings

But, with that being said, we also know that expressing feelings openly and honestly is one hallmark of a strong and emotionally intimate relationship. So it is important.

Without him sharing his feelings, the relationship can only be built on what you “think” he’s feeling and not on what he’s really feeling – unless of course, you can read his mind!

Don’t ever try and do that of course!

Any relationship starts tentatively, with two people slowly sharing information about themselves.

But, at some point, the information about their present and past must evolve into sharing feelings about those situations, feelings about their wants and desires and dreams about the future.

Without that evolution of sharing the relationship stagnates and doesn’t grow.

So, how do you make this man express his feelings to you without dragging them out of him or making him feel like he can’t provide the emotional intimacy you crave?

The trick is to help him grow into expressing himself without making him feel like he doesn’t live up to your expectations.

The trick is to help him grow into expressing himself without making him feel like he doesn’t live up to your expectations

To do this you must start with where he is and move forward.

It might seem a little simplistic, but don’t be tempted into expecting too much too soon from him.

Figure out what he talks most freely about now – sports, work, family, friends, his past – and build from there.

If he is most comfortable talking about his feelings about rugby or basketball players, then engage him at that level.

Give him time to get used to expressing his feelings about sports to YOU.

Once he’s able to engage easily with the first topic, it’s time to introduce another one.

Make it something that isn’t dangerous to his emotionally precarious position, and make sure you stay open (minded).

In other words, without guile or deceit, talk about this new subject with the same amount of openness that you did with sports.

This gains his trust and builds confidence to talk to you about how he feels about stuff.

Then build on these steps.

How quickly does this work?

Depends on how much access you have to him.

When you have access to your SO (significant other) at least 4-5 times a week, it might take a couple of weeks.

On the other hand, if you are in a long-distance relationship then expect to extend the timeline.

If you see him 4-5 times a week, expect that you can work through this in several weeks while still respecting his ability to move forward.

Once he’s used to talking with you about his feelings about topics that aren’t threatening to him, it’s time to work on bringing up subjects that might be more “threatening.”

Within reason of course.

Do NOT start with, “Do you love me?” unless you want him to run screaming to Australia.

Instead, bring up your feelings about him without expecting a response.

Bring up your feelings about him without expecting a response.

“I really enjoyed spending the afternoon with you,” can move to, “I’m beginning to think we have something worth keeping here.”

Give him time and space.

You are asking him to grow and develop and that just takes time.

Guys take a while.

He is either not expressing himself because it’s either too hard for him or because he simply doesn’t want to share with you … yet.

Taking it easy will give him the room to express himself.

Just stay patient and ready – he may not say what you expected.

Either way, take it as it comes and just go with it.

Remember, live and love fully!

About the author 

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a renowned relationship blog that ranked among the top 50 relationship blogs and top 100 marriage blogs in 2021. The blog is dedicated to providing valuable insights on cultivating healthy relationships and love in daily life. Gideon holds a Master's degree in theological studies and transitioned into professional counseling almost a decade ago. In addition, he completed graduate and post-graduate studies in Psychology at Massey University. With over seventeen years of marriage to his wife and two children, Gideon brings both professional and personal experience to his relationship advice. His articles have been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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