Talking about past relationships with your new partner can be tricky. It always runs the risk of doing more harm than good. In this post, guest author and divorce expert, Ron Miller, shares 5 Things You Should Never Tell About Your Ex To Your New Partner.
Many of you may have heard that relationships should be built on honesty and mutual trust. And they are really important, without any tricks. Understatements ruin mutual understanding no worse than the bald-faced lie.
Yet the fundamentals of the psychology say: any principles should be applied thoughtfully.
Otherwise, we risk getting not what we were waiting for.
We often confuse honesty with the dumping of some unnecessary information, and these are entirely different things.
Due to research carried out by onlinedivorce.com in Arizona collaborating with Arizona divorce mediation services, about 80% of people put honesty into the list of the main qualities needed for the happy marriage.
Along with it, many marriages break up due to jealousy and doubts of one of the spouses, and social networks and the opportunity to keep an eye on the profiles of all ex and current acquaintances of a partner contribute to family conflicts even more.
In fact, there is the necessary knowledge, but there is something better not to know.
For example, talking about past lovers is straightforwardness bordering on stupidity.
Sincerity relates to the present and somewhat to the future.
A man or a woman has the right to know how you feel about him/her, whether he/she is part of your plans.
But the past should not worry them. Just as laws have not retroactive effects, so openness with a partner does not apply to the period when he/she was not near you.
Some people have a desire to tell their partner about past relationships or to ask a beloved one about his affairs.
This can be explained both by a too literal understanding of the word “trust” and by the attempts to hurt a partner or force him to make excuses. You know, it’s not healthy.
What can be achieved by stirring up old memories, no matter whose?
We all have weaknesses.
And such a directness may become a provocation for any, even the most tolerant partner.
Talking about past relationships, we involuntarily plunge into them again, and if we have a good imagination, then we may even feel there again.
Not only do we question the current relationship, but we also test the feelings of another person.
And listening to personal revelations of a spouse or lover about their exes, we are inevitably jealous and feel cheated.
After all, by default, we feel that we are the only ones, and that’s right.
Here and now we are.
No past relationships matter to the present.
The experience that they brought can help you, but it happens automatically.
You do not have to sit and sort out all the mistakes made or the details of the previous love affair (especially aloud) just to avoid rash actions now.
If now you are mutually in love and are in a great relationship, it is best to imagine that you are each other’s “firsts” even if in fact this is far from the case.
In general, he or she is really the only one, even if you had a relationship before.
You change and develop all the time – today you are not the same person as you were a year, five and ten years ago.
That “you” may have your body and your memories.
Experience and worldview are likely to have changed.
If your partner asks about something, then the simplest thing is to talk to him/her, outlining your arguments honestly.
By persistently avoiding direct questions, you can create the feeling that you are hiding something terrible, and thereby aggravate the situation.
At the same time, you should be sure that your partner does not ask these questions to cause you a sense of guilt for the past.
This is a personal boundaries matter that needs to be addressed depending on your current situation.
In general, there is a big difference between answering questions and retelling of details about the past and mentioning your ex here and there.
The latter is the biggest, and unfortunately, a frequent problem.
Many people who consider themselves merely talkative, emotional, and open-hearted, can accidentally hurt their partner – who will feel not openness but disrespect in these words.
And here are the five main things on which those couples who like to talk about past relationships and to spill their guts fail.
5 Things You Should Never Tell About Your Ex To Your New Partner:
Do not say: “Everyone loved him/her”
Your new boyfriend or girlfriend prefers to think that he/she is an important person in your life and the favorite of everyone who is also important to you: friends, parents, brothers, and sisters.
If your partner finds out that everyone liked his or her “predecessor” more, this could be a blow to his/her self-esteem.
Not only should he or she be better than that guy or girl in your eyes; so now it turns out that he/she must also win the recognition of your friends.
Say instead: “Everyone liked him, but they did not know everything about him/her.”
Family and friendly meetings will be more comfortable if your new boyfriend or girlfriend remains blissfully unaware of everyone present would rather see your ex there.
Let your partner know that the former was loved by your friends only because they saw only one side of him/her.
In the end, something became a reason for your breakup!
Do not say: “He/she broke my heart”
Those relationships are behind.
Parting usually does not go very smoothly.
You can keep in mind that those bad relationships only set off your current, good ones.
But a new partner may perceive it in a completely different way.
Even if the ex was a scoundrel and you never want to see him in your life, the fact that you complain about the past and are still worried tells your new partner that you still think about the ex.
Your lover does not want to know that that person is still in your thoughts, even if these thoughts are rather unflattering.
Say instead: “We all have experienced such moments.”
Even if that bad person really did break your heart, don’t act like you are fixated on it.
Now you are with a cool guy or awesome girl, and your feelings are mutual.
Perhaps your partner has also passed through a painful rupture, but would you be pleased to hear that he/she is still licking the wounds inflicted by their ex?
May the past remain in the past.
Do not say: “He/she has brought me here”
You weren’t born yesterday, and you understand that before meeting each other, you had a different life.
But when it comes to romance, it’s better to pretend that you both haven’t been anywhere, haven’t tried anything, and haven’t done anything with other people.
Now that you are with him/her, each of your impressions is entirely new and unique.
Say instead: “I’ve been here. I can’t remember when.”
This is not even a lie.
For example, your new boyfriend asks you if you were in such a restaurant or whether you watched such a show.
And you answer: “I remember that I was, but I cannot say with whom and when.”
If he continues to insist, say, “Probably with the then-boyfriend.”
Then he will change the subject because he doesn’t need these details.
Do not say: “We dreamed about how…”
Each couple has dreams and joint plans: to road trip across the USA, build their own house, look at the northern lights… But the end of the relationship is the end of the plans.
No need to make them part of joint projects with your new partner.
Say instead: “Do you know what I always dreamed about?”
Of course, you should not give up your dream if it is something essential for you, regardless of who you are dating now.
Dreaming is wonderful – and it’s wonderful when you can share your dreams with someone.
So let it be your plan, and do not even mention the ex’s name: new relationships – new goals and aspirations.
Of course, you can borrow some ideas from the past, but do not follow the pattern.
Be ready that a new person will bring new details to the original plan.
Do not say: “He was good/bad in sex”
A discussion of the strengths and weaknesses of your ex as a lover is the most obvious thing you should not tell your boyfriend about your past relationships.
According to Psychologytoday, men make such a mistake much less often.
Some women, on their turn, often think that while it’s a taboo to admire the ex-lover, the new partner will be happy to know that the ex was awful in sex.
That guy was so bad, and you had stayed with him for so long.
So, what is your problem?
Say instead: “Things have happened: both good and bad.”
This is the best of neutral answers.
Most likely, it was so. 100% perfect sex is only possible with someone you are in love with right now.
If the subject of the past relationship is closed to you, then all the emotional feelings associated with having sex with your ex are likely to have already erased anyway.
So, sex-topic is the first thing to avoid while talking about past relationships with a new partner.
Last Thoughts …
If you enjoyed this post and want to know more, please see Ron Miller’s bio below.
You can also visit him at onlinedivorce.com for more information.