December 4, 2021 |Gideon

do you know What Men Secretly Want?

There is a deep-seated "Gap" in communication that very few women (or men) understand. To be truly irresistible as a woman to a man, you must understand how love and respect get entangled in a man's mind.

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In this article, we want to explore four ways that you can unlock the Hero Instinct in men.

Unleashing the hero instinct in men can increase a man’s happiness, attractiveness, and success.

Each man is born with an instinct that supports masculine traits.

However, few people are aware of how to engage this instinct or, worse, have never heard of it.

In this article, we’ll look at what the hero instinct in men is, why it’s crucial for a woman in a relationship with a man to understand it, and four critical strategies to assist women to trigger the hero instinct in the guy she’s with in order to potentially strengthen their love connection.

To begin, what is the Hero Instinct in Men?

Let us start by emphasising an uncomfortable reality for many: men and women are distinct from each other.

While they are obviously equal as persons, we are also quite different.

While strong feminine women in the modern age may get away with disregarding or actively resisting this truth while single, once in a relationship with a guy, dismissing these differences will only frustrate you or, worse, may lead the relationship to implode long before it succeeds.

 the hero instinct in men

To be clear, being unique is not a bad thing.

Indeed, gaining a better awareness of our underlying differences can help us enhance our relationships and avoid serious conflict.

However, the key to understanding men is to understand what motivates them.

Is it money, sex, food, sports, or power that motivates men?

While one could argue that all of these factors are significant to varying degrees, the fundamental truth is that men are not primarily motivated by external factors, particularly in love relationships.

The fundamental source of masculine human behaviour and motivation is something that a surprising number of women are unaware of.

This is referred to as the hero instinct in men.

If you grasp the hero instinct and how to elicit it in your man, you’ll be light years ahead of the majority of other women who remain confused and unclear about what makes men tick.

The hero instinct in men is the idea that a man needs to “rescue the world from peril or doom.”

More specifically, the hero instinct in men is a subset of relationship psychology coined by James Bauer in his best-selling book His Secret Obsession.

In essence, a man desires to be needed by his partner.

The hero instinct in men dictates that a man must continually feel as if he is rescuing his “damsel in distress” or “saving the day” in some way.

If he is unable to deploy his manly attributes effectively, he will feel undervalued and emasculated.

This is a recipe for disaster in your relationship.

When a man does not feel indispensable to his partner, he has a tough time emotionally bonding with his spouse, let alone falling in love with you.

 the hero instinct in men

That means that if a woman is in a relationship with a man but fails to stimulate his hero instinct, he is likely to lose interest and seek out someone who can arouse his hero instinct.

This is where men’s natural hero instincts may become troublesome for women, since if the guy doesn’t feel compelled to protect or “rescue” her, he’ll go for it elsewhere, in other people and places.

Why Is the Hero Instinct in men Necessary for a Successful Love Relationship?

This occurred frequently during my years as a relationship coach.

A guy will have a relationship with a woman for a period of time, and the relationship will eventually reach a plateHe starts thinking he is unable to form a genuine meaningful connection with the woman he is with, and she believes he is becoming increasingly aloof or uninvolved.

However, the more she nags and complains about his absence and lack of effort, the further he withdraws since he now believes that everything he does is wrong and, as a result, he feels like a failure.

Therefore, the way a woman views a man can be one of the most critical components of a relationship.

For a man to be happy in a relationship, he must feel appreciated by his spouse.

If a woman is unable to appreciate her man, he may develop low self-esteem.

This frequently results in two outcomes.

To begin, he will work harder subconsciously to make the relationship work in order to feel valued.

Two, if that fails and he continues to receive a lack of recognition or criticism, he will begin to avoid doing anything and eventually withdraw from the connection entirely.

By recognising what men genuinely require, women can treat them as the everyday heroes they are. Dr James Bauer, an expert on the hero instinct in men, makes it quite evident that a man desires to be your hero.

He is NOT looking for YOU to be his hero.

 the hero instinct in men

Men, Bauer asserts, admire heroes.

Consider how many grown guys remain enthralled by Marvel comics and superhero films.

Probably every man on Earth has fantasised since he was a kid of growing up to be the kind of personal superman who could save the world while also getting the girl.

But the majority of guys do not have the opportunity to express their world-saving side in their 9-5 jobs. Unless you’re in the military, police, or a firefighter I suppose.

More often than not, for most men, the circumstances do not need them to cut their corporate ties and leap into action, displaying their inner superman.

However, despite that being the case, perhaps they are unable to “rescue the world” they can still “get the girl.”

Getting or saving the girl is an admirable goal for an everyday guy with a superhero’s heart.

And that also requires extraordinary self-assurance. Superhuman charm. Immunity to pain on a par with that of a superhuman.

All he has to do is find a woman in need of a hero.

However, many women who desire a healthy relationship or a deep love connection with a man make a mistake because their feminine energy either creates a protective wall that prevents him from playing hero, or they attempt to make things easier for him by never asking for his assistance or, worse, offering it to him.

Unfortunately, doing so will end your dating life swiftly or cause him to lose romantic interest over time when in a relationship.

If a man is not required to work for a relationship with you, he will appreciate it less.

A FACT… What men cherish most are those things that require effort to obtain.

He must continue “conquering” and “rescuing” you if you wish to arouse the hero instinct in men, including your guy.

Four ways in which women might activate the Hero Instinct in men

There are four ways for women to activate men’s Hero Instincts.

Give your man a chance to be a hero

Do not force men to perform tasks automatically, but rather offer them the opportunity to step up and perform them.

The first is by portraying yourself as a “damsel in distress.”

A man will feel driven to come to the aid of a lady.

As a result, he will transform into a hero (someone who is admired and needed).

This can involve relatively minor tasks such as repairing a creaky door hinge or picking up the children from school.

 the hero instinct in men

These are small things, but when a man recognizes he is assisting his partner, even if only slightly, his hero instinct is triggered.

However, it is critical to emphasise that this does not imply being a victim or helpless.

Your man is not searching for an excessively demanding or pampered Princess who is incapable of self-sufficiency.

On the contrary, he desires that you develop into a strong, capable, and self-sufficient woman.

As a result, you don’t have to play “weakling” to help him grow.

The fact that you are capable is appealing, but it also emphasises the importance of your need for his assistance.

He is well aware that you are capable of accomplishing practically anything on your own, and the acknowledgement placed upon him when you seek his support significantly improves his self-esteem.

Allow your man to bring you joy and allow him to see it

Be cheerful around your man and let him know that he is one source of your happiness.

This may appear stupid to a woman because a man is supposed to notice when she is happy, but it is not that simple.

Because women’s brains are wired differently than men’s, their brains process emotions differently.

For example, females consistently outperform males on typical tests of emotion detection, social sensitivity, and empathy, according to some research.

Neuroimaging studies have confirmed these findings, revealing that females process emotions more efficiently than males in areas of the brain containing mirror neurones.

Mirror neurones enable women to perceive the world through the eyes of others, to comprehend their behaviours and intentions.

This may help to explain why women have a greater capacity for sadness.

So, any man worth your time will fully grasp that your happiness is not for sale and, as a result, will be willing to go to any length to ensure your happiness.

However, because males aren’t particularly adept at reading social cues, we rely on the women in our lives to make it abundantly plain that we’re doing a good job of making them happy.

Now, I also understand that life is not all rainbows and unicorns and that happiness is not always guaranteed.

Additionally, not everything a man does will make his wife smile.

However, the hero instinct in men is essentially about the desire to step up for their partner and improve her life.

He wants to make you happy, and you must allow him to do so while communicating to him how much you enjoy being with him.

 the hero instinct in men

Again, I understand that feeling “warm and fuzzy” around your man is not always possible, but the goal here is to guarantee he understands that he makes you happy the majority of the time since he lives for that sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction.

If you truly like spending time with him at home, let him know.

Let him know he brings you more joy than anyone else could.

He’ll appreciate the fact that you’ve communicated to him how valuable he is to you.

Demonstrate your gratitude for the extra effort he makes to ensure your happiness – both at home and in public.

It’s pointless to be happy on the inside while maintaining a perpetual poker face on the outside.

Men are neither mind readers, nor do they possess an innate ability to discern happiness.

Additionally, guys are typically emotionally tone-deaf and are unable to discern what you’re “thinking,” particularly in the way that other women appear to do.

Tell him and demonstrate that he brings you joy.

That will also make him happy.

Present your man with a challenge and hold him accountable

To begin, men, like all heroes, enjoy a challenge and posing a challenge to a man to help you will undoubtedly activate the hero instinct in men.

It might be as easy as asking him to change a lightbulb or as complex as daring him to try a new hobby and see whether he can master it.

hero instinct in men

For instance, my wife recently purchased a new iFit compatible treadmill and is already participating in a variety of fun challenges and trails from across the world.

As a result, she pushed me to climb on and attempt one of the mountain trekking tasks.

Of course, I agreed, and we get to do something together as a result.

The idea is that when a guy is challenged by the woman he loves, he is compelled to be more, to be better, and to rise to the occasion.

As a woman, you may also mess this one up, so it’s critical to ensure that the challenge is not to garner your attention (as if he has to “show off”) or affection, or for him to compete for your attention with another man.

That is simply foolish.

As a middle-aged man, I can tell you that if I could give my younger self advice, it would be to promptly send ladies like these on their way.

This is likely to increase jealousy and negative reactions, rather than eliciting men’s hero instincts or promoting the development of affection.

The second component of this is to hold him accountable for the actions he takes or promises to take.

For instance, if he commits to babysitting the kids as part of your challenge, hold him accountable but also show thanks afterwards, such as by stating “You did an excellent job!”

By doing so, you’re appealing the hero instinct in men, his included, and increasing the likelihood that he’ll seize the opportunity again the following time.

However, if you criticise him even slightly, he will feel as though he has failed you and his “mission,” which will most likely force him to retreat and avoid future challenges and “missions.”

Thus, it goes without saying that a fourth technique to activate men’s hero instinct is to,

Show general appreciation and praise him when he does what you ask

Give him a hug or a brief kiss, for example, when he takes in the groceries or puts the toys away.

I know what you’re thinking… but what about you?

Aren’t you also deserving of appreciation and praise?

Without a doubt, you do.

More than he probably does.

However, this is about your man’s hero instinct and our primal biological drive and need for a personal cheerleader.

The actual issue here is not who deserves praise and recognition, but rather what a guy needs to feel trusted, respected, and appreciated, all of which equate to being loved in his eyes.

For a long time, I’ve maintained that guys are fundamentally like puppies that crave frequent hearings of “good boy!”

hero instinct in men

When you do this without being condescending or dishonest, men tend to open up much more quickly than you believe.

Now, the converse is also true…

When this form of love is lacking and all your man hears is frequent criticism, however harmless or minor, those sentiments of being unappreciated by his wife can eventually influence his human behaviour.

If he does not receive affection and appreciation at home, he will seek it elsewhere.

That does not necessarily mean another woman, but it could refer to his friends, a hobby, sports, or his profession.

While much of this may seem self-evident, I want you to gain a solid grasp on the processes that underpin much masculine behaviour.

While some women may overthink situations when attempting to figure out what is going on with their husbands, the solution is frequently quite simple.

We need to feel heroic at home, and if we don’t, we’ll seek out a place where we can act heroically and win respect.


Fundamentally unleashing the Hero Instinct in men can increase a man’s happiness, attractiveness, and success.

This post considered four critical ways (there are more) to help women in learning about the hero instinct in men and how to trigger it in a relationship.

Each man is born with an instinct that supports masculine traits but few people know how to engage this instinct.

The hero instinct in men is a subset of relationship psychology coined by James Bauer.

In essence, for a man to be happy in a relationship, he must feel appreciated by his partner.

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About the author


Gideon is the creator of, a popular relationship blog that ranks among the top 50 relationship blogs in 2024. The website helps couples to create happier, healthier, and more intimate relationships. Gideon is a trained professional counsellor and holds post-graduate degrees in Theology and Psychology. His articles have also been featured on respected platforms such as and The Good Men Project.

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