The Complex Intersection of Modern-Day Feminism and Dating

Brief Introduction to Modern-Day Feminism

Modern-day feminism has become a powerful force, reshaping many aspects of society, from workplace dynamics to how we view gender roles in relationships.

However, while feminism has undoubtedly brought about significant positive changes, such as advancing women’s rights and promoting gender equality (and I’m all for that), its impact on modern dating and relationships is a tad more complex and multifaceted, and the consequences are real.

Therefore, in this article, we’ll critically examine how contemporary feminist ideas might influence dating behaviours and relationship dynamics and how they can potentially undermine women’s chances of achieving long-term relationship happiness.

To do that, we will explore some psychological perspectives on human behaviour and relationship dynamics and some of the existing body of research on how these forces potentially interact with modern feminist ideals.

The Evolution of Feminism and Its Influence on Gender Roles

Modern-day feminism, often referred to as fourth-wave feminism, is typically characterized by a strong emphasis on intersectionality¹, gender equality, and challenging traditional gender norms, among other things.

It usually also advocates for women’s autonomy, independence, and empowerment in all areas of life, including relationships; again, I support this, but in the same way I do for men.

However, this wave of feminism often encourages women to prioritize their careers, personal goals, and self-fulfillment, at the expense of more traditional roles and challenging conventional expectations that women should seek fulfillment primarily through marriage and motherhood.

In fact, there is often pushback from women on other women who embrace things like marriage or motherhood, almost as if these things are somehow toxic and beneath “progressive” and strong women.

So, while some of these changes have been empowering for many women, they have also led to a shift in how gender roles are now being perceived and enacted in romantic relationships.

The traditional gender roles, where men are often seen as providers and protectors and women as nurturers and caretakers, have been (are) challenged, leading to a more fluid and egalitarian (meaning sameness) approach to relationships.

And although some of that was needed, this shift, in its entirety without nuance, has consequences, some of which we’ll look at next.

Psychological Impact of Feminism on Men and Women

As already mentioned, the influence of modern-day feminism on dating dynamics and relationship satisfaction has been profound.

However, one could also argue that it extends beyond societal norms impacting psychological well-being.

For many women, feminist principles have fostered a stronger sense of self-perception and self-esteem (all good things), allowing them to navigate relationships with greater confidence.

As a result, feminism’s advocacy for equality and mutual respect has empowered women to assert their needs and boundaries, essential for creating healthier, more balanced relationships.

However, the psychological effects are also varied and highly individualistic.

Some women might experience internal conflict when reconciling traditional romantic ideals with contemporary feminist values.

This dichotomy can easily lead to introspective struggles about their roles and expectations in relationships, necessitating a deeper understanding and internalization of feminist ideas to achieve relational harmony.

For example, a woman might value independence and career success but also desire a traditional romantic relationship in which her partner takes on the role of provider or protector.

She may want her partner to pay for dates or initiate major decisions, but she may also hold strong feminist beliefs in equality and shared responsibilities.

This can then lead to tension between her desire for autonomy and self-reliance and her attraction to traditional gender roles in romance.

For men, the psychological impact of feminism can also be significant.

While some men may embrace and internalize feminist ideals, leading to more egalitarian and respectful relationships (ALWAYS a good thing and right), others may experience confusion or resistance because these ideals challenge traditional masculine roles they’ve been conditioned to accept.

For some men, this shift can lead to uncertainty about how to express their masculinity or take initiative in relationships without appearing domineering or disrespectful.

Additionally, they may struggle to balance societal expectations of providing and protecting with feminist calls for emotional vulnerability and equality, creating internal conflict and sometimes even resentment.

Therefore, the shift towards gender equity (as upheld by modern-day feminism)² can challenge entrenched notions of masculinity, prompting men to reassess their self-perception and relational dynamics.

But this process can be both liberating and challenging, as it often requires navigating the complex landscape of evolving gender roles and expectations.

We can argue that, in general, some interpersonal relationships can benefit when both partners align their values closer with feminist perspectives, especially those promoting more mutual respect and understanding.

However, conflicts can easily arise when there is a disconnect or lack of communication regarding modern-day feminist values, especially in the early stages of a relationship, as partners may have different expectations about gender roles.

For example, imagine a woman who strongly identifies with feminist ideals of independence and equality.

At the same time, her new boyfriend has more traditional views on dating.

He believes it’s his responsibility to plan dates, pay for meals, and take the lead, at least initially.

If this couple doesn’t openly communicate their values early on, tension will arise.

The man may feel confused or rejected if his gestures are interpreted as undermining her independence, while the woman might feel frustrated if he assumes roles she would prefer to share or alternate.

Without clear communication, these unspoken expectations can create misunderstandings, with each partner feeling their values are being disrespected or misunderstood.

This disconnect can eventually escalate into more significant conflicts about power dynamics, emotional labour, or financial contributions in the relationship IF the relationship even makes it that far.

Couples need to have open conversations about their beliefs and expectations to create a relationship where feminist principles are embraced without compromising either partner’s needs. If compromise isn’t an option, staying single may be a better choice to avoid ongoing conflict.

Thus, as you can see so far, modern-day feminism and relationships are deeply intertwined.

They potentially influence how individuals perceive themselves and their partners, and that has consequences for whatever form of relationship they choose to engage in.

Parts of feminism can (and should) foster equality and respect, contributing to more fulfilling and balanced romantic connections.

However, the journey to this ideal can also be complex and requires continuous effort and self-reflection from all parties involved.

Let’s also explore a few other issues related to the dating experience itself and some of the things that could become challenging.

The Psychological Impact of Shifting Gender Roles on Dating

Cognitive Dissonance and Relationship Expectations

The changing gender roles in our society can create a mental tug-of-war for many people, especially men and especially in dating.

This happens, for instance, when seemingly old-fashioned ideas bump up against modern feminist views.

Imagine feeling pulled in two directions at once.

That’s what psychologists call ‘cognitive dissonance’—the uncomfortable feeling we get when our beliefs don’t match up.

In the dating world, this conflict shows up in interesting ways.

Many women today value being independent and self-reliant, which is a good thing.

At the same time, they might also find themselves attracted to partners who can provide and protect traits often seen as traditionally masculine because evolutionary theorists argue that these preferences are rooted in biology.

According to evolutionary psychology, women have historically sought partners who can offer resources, stability, and protection, increasing their chances of survival and success in raising offspring.

These ingrained preferences, shaped over thousands of years, can still influence modern attraction, even in a society where gender roles are changing.

As a result, women may experience tension between their feminist values of equality and independence and their natural attraction to traits associated with traditional masculinity.

Interestingly, some studies also support that, finding that many women who support feminist ideals still prefer male partners over others who they perceive are more capable of protecting, providing, and committing, despite also perceiving them as patronizing and undermining.

Understandably, that can feel like it goes against the feminist principles of equality and independence. And as a woman, you might find yourself struggling to balance your feminist beliefs with what you want in a romantic partner.

But while the feeling is normal, this internal conflict can also lead to feeling unsatisfied or confused when dating, which could hurt your chances of giving someone an opportunity that could have been good with you.

It’s a complex situation with no easy answers.

However, understanding this mental conflict can help you recognise it and navigate the changing landscape of modern relationships more effectively.

The Erosion of Traditional Courtship Practices

Based on what we’ve seen so far and recognising that we are barely scratching the surface, we can safely assume that modern-day feminism has also influenced the decline of traditional courtship practices, such as men initiating dates, paying for meals, and taking the lead in romantic pursuits.

While these changes are seen as a step toward gender equality, they have also contributed to a sense of ambiguity and uncertainty in dating, again, especially for young men wanting to approach women.

Some research in social psychology suggests that clear gender roles and expectations can reduce anxiety.

For instance, one study observed that traditional attitudes toward gender roles were associated with lower anxiety and depression scores, while non-traditional attitudes were associated with higher levels of depression. 

I will argue that this could also apply to dating, albeit from a personal and anecdotal perspective.

“Knowing” my role when it comes to dating a young woman, as taught by other men in my culture and family, offered less uncertainty and anxiety (apart from the mountain of nerves and butterflies in the stomach).

This is potentially because both parties know what to expect and how to “behave” when courting; in other words, what the recognisable and, at that point, culturally predictable protocols are.

There is no noise, so to speak.

You’re just focused on the person you’re attracted to, hoping they are to you too, and you bring your A-game to get a shot to see where it can go.

Sometimes it works out, and sometimes (mostly) it does not.

So, from what I’m observing, my concern is that the erosion of these traditional practices can lead to confusion about who should take the lead, initiate contact, or express interest, which can make dating more stressful and less enjoyable.

Moreover, the lack of clear roles can lead to a paradox where both men and women are reluctant to take the initiative, fearing that their actions might be perceived as contrary to feminist ideals.

This can result in missed connections and opportunities for developing meaningful relationships, as potential partners may hesitate to express their interest or take the next step, a point I’ve made earlier.

So…

At this point, we could discuss the influence of modern-day feminism on relationship dynamics, but I feel that’s a step too far.

There’s no point in talking about setting up house and getting a dog if you can’t even get out of the cafe first.

Let’s walk before we run…

But what does all of this potentially mean for you as a man or woman who wants to date in this modern-day dating landscape?

Well, it’s almost impossible to say because each country and culture is different and modern-day feminism exists in various degrees and forms, one could argue.

But, as a whole, perhaps here are five takeaways for men and women dating in this world of modern-day feminism.

Five Takeaways

1. Open Communication is Key: Partners or potential partners must have honest conversations about their beliefs, values, and expectations right off the bat. Not to make a statement but to express and be understood with the intention of dating. Understanding each other’s stance on gender roles, equality, and autonomy will help avoid misunderstandings and allow for the potential of a relationship.
2. Balance Feminist Values with Individual Desires: While feminist ideals like equality and independence are important, it’s also okay to acknowledge traditional preferences, such as wanting a partner who provides or protects. It’s fine! The key is finding a balance that respects both partners’ values without feeling conflicted or guilty.
3. Flexibility and Compromise are Essential: Relationships thrive on compromise. Rigidly adhering to traditional or feminist ideals without flexibility can (and will) cause tension. However, couples willing to adapt and share responsibilities in ways that feel right for both are more likely to find lasting happiness.
4. Gender Roles Don’t Define Your Relationship: Modern dating allows couples to redefine their own roles without being confined by societal expectations. Trust me, my mother and grandmother had much fewer options. Whether you prefer traditional roles or more egalitarian dynamics, the most important thing is to create a partnership that works for both of you.
5. Prioritise Shared Values Over Labels: Focusing too much on labels like “feminist” or “traditionalist” can limit relationship potential. Instead, prioritise shared core values, mutual respect, and emotional connection. Aligning on these foundational aspects leads to deeper, more meaningful relationships, not ticking popular boxes or sharing controversial labels. When it comes to actual human and romantic long-term connections, the labels you have now are essentially meaningless in helping build the foundation of a healthy, happy, and intimate relationship, especially since our labels tend to change over time.

Footnotes:

1. Intersectionality is essentially the idea that different aspects of a person’s identity—like race, gender, class, and sexuality—overlap and interact, leading to unique experiences of privilege or discrimination. For example, a Black woman might face both racism and sexism, which together create challenges that are different from what a white woman or a Black man might face. But, then, is this a black woman in Kenya with plenty of athletic ability, a white woman born and raised in Japan by missionary parents, or a black man and garbage collector in New Zealand? These nuances matter. Yes, the concept helps us appreciate how these combined factors (and potentially others) shape people’s lives in more complex ways than just looking at one identity at a time. However, an obvious issue with the idea of intersectionality as a means to assert your claim is also intersectionality itself. For example, one could argue, and some critics do, that intersectionality can lead to “oppression Olympics,” where different groups compete over who is more marginalized, potentially fostering even greater division rather than unity. Depending on how far back we want to go, almost everyone can find enough in history to play a similar game, and some do. In line with that, others also raise concerns that it may focus too much on victimhood, overlooking commonalities that can unite people. When people start to compete for the “greatest victim title,” both on a personal and collective level, that more often than not leads to division, resentment, and a weakening of solidarity and society as the focus shifts from addressing common issues to highlighting differences in suffering. That can create a toxic environment where individuals or groups feel compelled to outdo each other in terms of victimhood rather than working together toward shared solutions and progress; examples of this are everywhere nowadays. ↩︎
2. Gender equity is a key concept in modern-day feminism. It means treating all genders fairly and considering their unique needs and challenges. Unlike gender equality, which gives everyone the same resources, gender equity recognizes that different genders may need different support to succeed. This approach aims to level the playing field for everyone. However, some people criticize gender equity. They worry it might inadvertently create new unfairness while trying to fix old problems. Some of their concerns are: 1. It could lead to favouritism, especially for small minority groups. 2. It might create new imbalances by giving some groups unfair advantages. 3. It could unintentionally reinforce stereotypes by focusing on gender differences. 4. It may overlook individual merit by focusing too much on group identity. Critics also argue that we should promote fairness on a case-by-case basis instead of using broad group categories. While gender equity aims to create fairness, it’s essential to consider these critiques and strive for a balanced approach that truly benefits everyone. ↩︎