They are the three “Ds” in your life – desperation, dependency and doubt.
They sneak in without you realising they are there, create havoc and ruin relationships.
But, when you are aware of the potential problem, you can stop the problems before they start, whether you are manifesting the behaviour or you are in a relationship with someone who is.
Dependency is different from co-dependency so often referenced in relationships when one person is an addict, whether addicted to alcohol, drugs, work or abuse.
In this instance, dependency references the state of mind when you just don’t believe you can go on without your significant other in your life EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.
In your dependency, you become desperate to have them with you at all times, not because you don’t trust them but because you just need to have them close.
In a stable and mature relationship, you will probably go through a time early in the romantic stage when you miss your significant other every time they leave the room.
But that is infatuation and should pass, maturing into a deeper and better love.
While you miss your significant other during this phase you shouldn’t feel as if the world is crashing down around you when they leave.
This type of behaviour can quickly lead to the other person feeling smothered and running hard and fast in the other direction.
Dependency is similar to desperation, but not the same.
Desperation is the feeling you experience before finding a relationship.
This desperation will often manifest itself as dependency once you are in a relationship.
But, prior to the start of a relationship, it looks like desperation.
People who are desperate to “be” in a relationship with another person will communicate those feelings both through body language and thru a certain tonal quality in their voice.
If you are being pursued by someone and they appear more desperate than interested, run in the other direction and run fast!
Desperation and dependency are often fueled by doubts and insecurities and that can be a problem.
Like all things in life, there are problems that are minor and those that are major.
Insecurity and doubt usually come on a sliding scale, it’s never the same for everyone.
For some, it is a small doubt about doing a job.
For others, it can be doubts about sexual performance, body image or desirability.
However, regardless of where you fall on the scale, never make your significant other your therapist.
While it might feel like you are sharing your problems with your partner and becoming closer, they are probably pulling further and further away because you’re treating them like a crutch and not a partner.
Your partner is not all things to you, least of all your counsellor.
So, it is important to recognise the insecurities in your relationship.
If they are yours, tell your partner you are aware of them and will be working with someone else to address the issue.
Moreover, if you’re experiencing one or all of the 3 “D”s mentioned above, then you should definitely get some help sooner rather than later.
Preferably before entering a relationship because you’ll be better able to find the right person instead of connecting with the wrong partner.
But, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s time to own up to your partner and get help, especially if you want to see this particular relationship last.
And if it is your partner who is experiencing these behaviours, it is time to talk with them.
Protect your feelings and figure out if they want to work toward a healthy and stable partnership or if they don’t care to continue down the same road.
One of the most difficult things to do here is, to be honest in your evaluation of yourself and your partner.
If you are very invested in the relationship and feel a strong kinship with your significant other (and it is reciprocated) you can work to a resolution with the help of a professional.
Otherwise, it is time to decide if this is the way you want to live your personal life or if it’s time to cut and run.