If you ever wondered how small disagreements sometimes turn into ugly fights, then you’re going to love these simple techniques that can help you become a more effective communicator. Whether you’re single, been married for years or just want to improve how you communicate with your work colleagues, you’ll find these communication strategies effective.
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Our Differences Cause Arguments
I’m a dating coach and very often I get to hear stories from my clients and friends.
Let’s call this couple Mike and Suzy.
Mike and Suzy have a beautiful house together.
Suzy is a creative butterfly, a free spirit.
It’s something that Mike loved about her from the day they met.
Mike is a very organized professional in the STEM field.
He’s extremely tidy and loves order, which is the opposite of Suzy.
Mike and Suzy have a lot of disagreements around the house.
Suzy feels frustrated when Mike loses his act over her accidentally using his toothbrush or eating oranges in bed.
Mike thinks Suzy doesn’t care about him.
He feels that she pushes his buttons on purpose.
Suzy thinks life’s too short to be concerned about unwashed dishes and wishes Mike loosened up a bit.
It’s Never About Unwashed Dishes
What if you simply understood that someone wanting things done in their way or someone screaming at you is a scream for help and not a scream at you?
Let’s look at Mike.
Mike grew up in a quite turbulent household.
His way of getting his mother’s attention was being organized and good at school.
That was the only time Mike’s mother would ever acknowledge him.
Even though Mike is not a little boy anymore, deep down he still thinks that he has to be extremely organized and do well professionally to deserve to be noticed, or in this case, to deserve Suzy’s love.
Next time you see someone freak out over the spreadsheet just remember there could be another reason behind it.
Instead of getting annoyed trying to see a hurting little girl/boy who was never heard when growing up.
Next time a stranger goes ballistic at you on the road, remember that it may have nothing to do with your driving skills.
Maybe they’re just having tough times at work or their family members are poorly.
Compassion is one of the most underrated communication techniques.Marcus Neo
Communicate Better: Listen And Ask For More
As a dating coach, I get asked all the time how to communicate and talk to women, how to attract women, how to satisfy women in bed, how to be more attractive and so on.
However, I never get asked about how to listen to women.
Nothing is a bigger turn on and the most beautiful expression of respect than someone truly listening to what you have to say.
Let’s go back to Mike and Suzy.
What if next time Suzy is expressing how sick and tired she’s of all the strict organization rules around the house and she just wants to relax and not think about the perfectly manicured lawn, Mike stops and just listens?
This is a crucial point. I’m guilty of this as much as you’re.
Very often I listen, but at the same time I’m kind of waiting for the person I’m speaking to finish what they have to say, so I can get my point across.
However, next time you communicate with someone and are listening, listen like your life depends on it.
And every single time you catch yourself thinking about what you’re going to say next, go back to that very moment and the person you’re speaking to.
And then, instead of jumping into conclusions or getting all defensive, ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add.
Not in a passive-aggressive way where you’re looking for ways to attack, hurt or ignore them, but in a genuine way.
If you’re someone who’s usually defensive or tends to jump into conclusions when you communicate with someone, which let’s admit most of us do, try listening more attentively next time you’re disagreeing with your partner or your work colleague.
You’ll be amazed.
Stop Making Something Out Of Nothing
The next step is to make sure what you’re hearing is exactly what is being said when someone communicates with you.
I always smile hearing my clients’ stories about how they go to approach a gorgeous woman, she says “no,” and they’re convinced this happens because they’re not good looking or not rich enough.
They make something out of a simple “no.”
If you want to know how to communicate with anyone, how to speak so people listen to you, firstly you have to make sure you can hear what is being said and not be afraid to ask for a confirmation.
Let’s go back to Suzy and Mike.
When Suzy and Mike are arguing about the order around the house, Mike communicates he’d like Suzy to be more organized.
Suzy processes those words through her filter.
Suzy hears that as criticism towards her as a woman.
When she hears a man she loves to call her disorganized she thinks he’s also criticizing her inability to go back to the gym and lose weight.
She may even think he’s criticizing her inability to progress in her career.
I’m pretty sure if you look back at some of the arguments in your life you’ll see that the reason it all got out of control is that either you or the person you’re talking to has made something out of nothing.
Next time you’re having an argument or you think you’re being criticized, simply repeat what you think you just heard in your own words to double-check you got the message across and to make sure you’re not making something out of anything.
We’ve covered a lot in this post, but I’m only trying to make one point in regards to communication.
If you want to know how to communicate with anyone, you have to learn how to listen first.
I hope that next time you’re having a disagreement or you feel that you’re being attacked for no reason, you can remind yourself that very often it is not what it seems to be.
However, you’re not a mind reader.
Hence, you have to make sure that what you hear is exactly what is being said to you.
And always remember that being compassionate never hurts.