Go Beyond Good Communication As a Couple

by Gideon Hanekom
July 20, 2021

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Good communication is always seen and taught as foundational to any happy love relationship, and for a good reason.

As spouses, without the ability to communicate well, we open ourselves up to many potential misunderstandings, confusion, uncertainty, frustration, and unmet needs.

In the long run, all those accumulate and compound into massive cracks through which relationships end up falling to their death below.

So, it is no surprise that many counsellors, therapists, and marriage coaches overly focus on existing communication problems and implementing strategies for improving couples’ ability to “talk” to each other.

Yet, therein lies an apparent problem and challenge…

Angry couples don’t want to talk.

They want to be heard… and will fight for every inch to make that happen… often at the expense of talking.

good communication

Angry couples with better communication skills also usually end up fighting no less… just better.

Improved communication skills for angry and hurting couples is not the answer. Restoring a healthy and loving bond is.

Good communication tends to flow easier from a healthy source. In that sense, improved communication skills make sense when a couple first remembers how to like each other again. When they work first on restoring their emotional connection.

As couples, we must go beyond good communication. We must aim to renew our loving connection by renewing our bond and fondness for each other.

And “fight” like hell to make that happen.

Yet, focus on actions as your powerful ally, for words often end up unavailing and redundant in the absence of congruent behaviour. If you want a healthy relationship, you must take responsibility for your actions.

In relationships, when good actions are lacking, words become the spotlight illuminating the blatant inconsistency.

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When good words frame good actions, both become more believable and restorative.

“Good” is subjective, of course, but always easily measured by an increase or decrease in what one values and desires.

And therein lies the answer of whether one must talk less and do more (or stop doing) and start talking.

Recently, my new friend Shivonne Davis handpicked 20 top experts and influencers for a complimentary masterclass series (The Millennial’s Marriage Toolkit 5-Day Virtual Experience) on creating levelling up in your communication, discovering new ways to enjoy your marriage, managing your mindset, and getting off of auto-pilot in your responses.

If you’ve missed it, you can watch our discussion below.

About the author 

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a renowned relationship blog that ranks among the top 50 relationship blogs in 2024. The website shares valuable insights on creating healthy relationships life. Gideon holds a Master's degree in theological studies and transitioned into professional counseling more than a decade ago. In addition, he since completed post-graduate studies in Psychology at Massey University. With over seventeen years of marriage to his wife and two children, Gideon brings both professional and personal experience to his relationship advice. His articles have been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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