by Gideon

July 20, 2021

Good communication is always seen and taught as foundational to any happy love relationship, and for good reason.

As spouses, without the ability to communicate well with each other, we open ourselves up to a lot of potential misunderstandings, confusion, uncertainty, frustration, and unmet needs.

In the long run, all those accumulate and compound into massive cracks through which relationships end up falling to their death below.

So, it is no surprise that many counsellors, therapists, and marriage coaches overly focus on existing communication problems and implementing strategies for improving couples’ ability to “talk” to each other.

Yet, therein lies an apparent problem and challenge…

Angry couples don’t want to talk.

They want to be heard… and will fight for every inch to make that happen… often at the expense of talking.

Angry couples with better communication skills also usually end up fighting no less… just better.

Improved communication skills for angry and hurting couples is not the answer.

Restoring a healthy and loving bond is.

Good communication tends to flow easier from a healthy source. Improved communication skills make sense when a couple first remembers how to like each other again.

As a couple, go beyond good communication.

Aim to renew your loving connection by renewing your bond and fondness for each other.

And fight like hell to make that happen.

Yet, focus on actions as your powerful ally, for words often end up being unavailing and redundant in the absence of congruent behaviour.

When good actions lack, words become the spotlight illuminating the blatant inconsistency.

When good words frame good actions, both become more believable and restorative.

“Good” is subjective, of course, but always easily measured by an increase or decrease of what one values and desires.

Therein lies the answer of whether one must talk less and do more, or stop doing and start talking.

About the author 

Gideon

Gideon is the Owner of The Relationship Guy, a top-100 marriage advice blog that helps married couples create happier relationships. He is a trained professional counsellor (DipProfCouns., DipMSHT.), has been happily married for over fifteen years and is a dad of two.​ He also holds Bachelor and Master degrees in the field of Theology and is currently studying Psychology at Massey University (New Zealand).

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