The Infinite Swipe: The Hidden Psychological Cost of Online Dating

In the span of just two decades, online dating has transformed from a niche experiment into one of the primary ways people meet romantic partners.

Today, millions log into apps and websites daily, scrolling through profiles, exchanging messages, and forming connections that might never have occurred in their immediate social circles.

In many ways, this shift represents an extraordinary social evolution.

For the first time in human history, individuals can access an almost limitless pool of potential partners beyond geography, culture, and traditional social boundaries.

Yet alongside this unprecedented opportunity lies a subtler and more complex reality.

While the digital landscape offers abundance, psychology reminds us that abundance can come at a cost.

Concepts such as decision fatigue, the paradox of choice, and cognitive overload suggest that having too many options may not liberate us, but may instead undermine our ability to choose wisely, commit fully, and feel satisfied afterwards.

Online dating, then, presents a paradox.

It has dramatically expanded our possibilities for love and companionship.

At the same time, it may be quietly reshaping our expectations, altering our psychology, and influencing the quality of our relationships in ways we are only beginning to understand.

The Expansion of Human Connection

Historically, romantic partnerships were shaped by proximity.

People met through family networks, work, religious communities, or social gatherings.

The pool of potential partners was relatively small and constrained by geography and social class.

Online dating disrupted this model.

Now, a person in a small town can connect with someone across the country, or even across the globe.

Algorithms match users based on personality traits, shared interests, and behavioural data.

Filters allow individuals to specify preferences with remarkable precision.

Research from Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld has shown that online dating has become the most common way heterosexual couples in the United States meet.

This trend reflects a profound structural shift in how relationships form.

For marginalised communities, such as LGBTQ+ individuals, online platforms have provided especially vital opportunities to connect safely and openly.

In this sense, online dating is democratising.

It expands choice beyond inherited social networks.

It allows introverts, busy professionals, and people with niche interests to find compatible partners.

It offers second chances after divorce and new beginnings after loss.

By all accounts, on the surface, more options appear to mean more freedom, and perhaps more happiness.

However, psychological research complicates this optimistic picture.

The Psychology of Choice: When More Is Less

One of the most influential ideas in modern behavioural science is the paradox of choice, popularised by psychologist Barry Schwartz.

The core insight is deceptively simple:

While some choices are good, too many choices can overwhelm us, leading to anxiety, indecision, and dissatisfaction.

The famous “jam study” by Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper illustrates this point…

When consumers were offered 24 varieties of jam, they were less likely to make a purchase than when offered just six.

More options attracted attention, but fewer options increased commitment.

We can argue that the same principle applies to toothpaste, shampoo, and, potentially, romantic partners.

When users scroll through hundreds of profiles in a single sitting, they face a cognitive load that previous generations never did.

Each profile represents a micro-decision: swipe left or right, message or ignore, continue or move on.

Multiply that by dozens or hundreds of profiles, and the mental effort becomes significant.

This is where decision fatigue enters the picture.

Decision Fatigue in the Age of Swiping

Decision fatigue refers to the deterioration in decision quality after a long session of decision-making.

Studies have shown that judges are more likely to grant parole earlier in the day or after a break,  a phenomenon often referred to as the “hungry judge effect.

Similarly, consumers make poorer purchasing choices after repeated decisions.

Now, if you think about it, online dating is no different.

It is, in essence, a continuous stream of micro-decisions.

Every swipe is a judgment. Every message is an evaluation. Every match prompts further assessment.

Over time, this can lead to:

• Reduced discernment
• Impulsive decisions
• Over-reliance on superficial traits
• Emotional exhaustion

When cognitive energy declines, people often default to shortcuts, such as judging primarily by physical appearance.

In this instance, profiles can easily become commodities, and human beings risk being reduced to snapshots and bullet points.

The result may be not only poorer choices but also diminished satisfaction with them.

The Infinite Menu and the Fear of Missing Out

Let’s go back to the store for a moment…

Imagine standing in front of a supermarket shelf with 50 different brands of shampoo.

You select one, but as you leave the store, you wonder: was there a better one? Should I have looked longer? Did I settle too quickly?

Now imagine this dynamic applied to dating.

Online platforms create what feels like an infinite menu of options.

Even after matching with someone kind, intelligent, and compatible, users may remain aware, consciously or unconsciously, that thousands more profiles are waiting.

This awareness can foster a subtle but persistent fear of missing out (FOMO).

And if something goes slightly wrong, the temptation to return to the app and search for someone “better” is always present.

It’s like an indefinite ‘get-out-of-jail’ card you can play at any time, over and over again.

That… can be a problem, however, for anyone looking for long-term results when playing the game with a short-term rule set.

Psychologists distinguish between “maximisers” and “satisficers.”

Maximisers seek the absolute best option, often at the cost of increased anxiety and regret.

Satisficers choose an option that meets their criteria and move forward with contentment.

Online dating environments encourage maximising behaviour. With so many choices, why settle?

Yet maximising often correlates with lower overall satisfaction.

Even after making a good decision, maximisers are more likely to imagine better alternatives and feel regret.

Again, a potential problem.

Thus, the very abundance that promises improved outcomes may undermine the emotional security required for long-term commitment.

The Commodification of Connection

Beyond cognitive overload, there is also a philosophical dimension worth considering.

Online dating platforms often operate on a marketplace model.

Profiles resemble advertisements.

Users craft carefully curated images and descriptions.

Algorithms rank and sort individuals according to desirability metrics.

That can only happen to some extent in ‘real-world’ dating where make-up and nice clothes can only take you so far…

Thereafter, your true self WILL be revealed, quickly.

Yet, when relationships are framed within market logic like with online dating, subtle psychological shifts can occur:

• People evaluate themselves in competitive terms.
• Self-worth becomes linked to matches and responses.
• Rejection becomes frequent and impersonal.

As a result, this environment can easily foster comparison and performance rather than authenticity.

It encourages optimisation over vulnerability.

Philosophically, love has traditionally been understood as unfolding through presence, shared experience, and mutual discovery.

In contrast, digital dating often begins with pre-screening, filtering, and selection.

So, instead of stumbling into love, individuals browse for it.

And while efficiency increases, mystery and satisfaction may diminish.

The Impact on Commitment and Satisfaction

Long-term relationship satisfaction is influenced by expectations.

In fact, overall happiness in life is heavily influenced by our expectations.

And when expectations are unrealistically high, or are constantly unmet, even good relationships can feel insufficient.

Adding to that, research in relationship psychology suggests that believing one has abundant alternatives can weaken commitment.

The “investment model” of relationships, developed by psychologist Caryl Rusbult, emphasises that commitment depends partly on the perceived quality of alternatives.

When alternatives appear plentiful, commitment decreases.

Online dating makes alternatives constantly visible.

Even when individuals are not actively seeking someone new, the knowledge that options are readily available can subtly influence relational dynamics.

Furthermore, comparison processes may intensify dissatisfaction.

If a partner falls short in one domain, the mind may drift toward profiles previously seen or imagine hypothetical matches who excel in that area.

So, the question arises:

Can lasting contentment thrive in an environment that constantly highlights alternative possibilities?

Emotional Consequences: Burnout and Cynicism

Many users also report feeling burned out after prolonged use of dating apps.

Repeated cycles of matching, messaging, ghosting, and disappointment can lead to emotional fatigue.

Research also indicates that frequent app use may correlate with increased anxiety and lower self-esteem for some individuals.

The gamified nature of swiping, complete with notifications and intermittent reinforcement, can resemble reward systems found in other digital platforms.

And when romantic pursuit becomes gamified, the stakes feel simultaneously trivial and high.

Connections may feel disposable.

Emotional investment becomes risky.

Over time, this can foster cynicism.

And instead of approaching potential partners with openness, users may adopt defensive strategies, lowering expectations or assuming insincerity.

In the end, ironically, the very tool designed to facilitate connection may cultivate emotional distance.

Rediscovering Traditional Modes of Connection

Now, with all of the above said, I want to make it clear that none of it implies that online dating is inherently harmful or not a great resource.

For many couples, it has led to deeply fulfilling partnerships.

I know couples like this personally.

However, it does suggest the need for intentional use.

So, with that said, perhaps the time has also come to reconsider the value of traditional methods of meeting people, not as nostalgic retreats but as psychologically grounded alternatives.

When meeting someone through shared activities, mutual friends, or community involvement, the pool of options is naturally limited.

But I would argue that this limitation may actually foster depth.

Interactions unfold gradually.

Attraction develops within context.

Commitment arises from shared experience rather than from comparative browsing.

And in smaller pools, individuals may invest more energy in understanding one another rather than evaluating alternatives.

Scarcity, in that sense, can promote focus.

Also, philosophically speaking, love may thrive not in infinite possibility but in chosen limitation.

To love someone deeply is, in a sense, to close other doors.

And that requires the courage to commit despite uncertainty.

A Philosophical Reflection on Abundance and Commitment

At its heart, the dilemma of online dating reflects a broader cultural tension between abundance and meaning.

Think about it…

Modern society tends to celebrate limitless options.

We can stream thousands of films, browse endless products, and now, swipe through countless potential partners.

Choice symbolises freedom.

Yet ‘true’ meaning often arises from commitment, from choosing one path among many and investing fully in it.

In that sense, love, perhaps more than any other human endeavour, requires this paradoxical act: to embrace limitation in order to experience depth.

When options are infinite, commitment feels risky.

When options are finite, commitment feels necessary.

So, the challenge of our era may not be how to increase opportunity, but how to navigate abundance without losing the capacity for devotion.

Conclusion: Opportunity with Awareness

Online dating has undeniably expanded human connection in remarkable ways.

It has broken down geographic barriers, fostered inclusivity, and empowered individuals to seek compatibility beyond traditional constraints.

However, psychological research on decision fatigue, the paradox of choice, and commitment dynamics suggests that more options do not automatically yield greater happiness.

In some cases, they may undermine satisfaction and relational stability.

But the key lies not in rejecting online dating but in approaching it with awareness.

Recognising its psychological effects allows individuals to make more intentional choices.

Perhaps the future of love will not be defined by swiping faster or browsing longer, but by rediscovering the courage to choose, to commit, and to cultivate depth in a world overflowing with possibility.

In the end, love is not found in the infinite menu.

It is built through presence, patience, and the quiet decision to stay.