Whenever folks find out that I write about relationships and sexless marriage, they often ask the same questions, “How come my husband is not in the mood for sex?”
And even more common, I hear complaints from the men asking why their girlfriends or wives are, all too often, not in the mood for sex.
Loss of interest in sexual union is a serious issue plaguing many couples.
Unforunately, there is no simple answer, just like there is no simple reason people are not in the mood for sex.
Understand why your partner is not in the mood for sex
The first step in fixing any problem is to understand the cause of the problem.
For example, suppose your partner has found another lover and is cheating on you.
That’s one surefire reason he/she is not in the mood for sex… with you!
In that case, it’s a significant problem that needs remedy unless you never find out, or if you discover the infidelity, wish to remain in denial and see where that leads.
Unfortunately, it usually ends badly as your partner leaves you completely unprepared.
Confrontation is the simplest way to find out if you have a cheating situation going on, not that you will get an honest answer.
After all, you are being lied to every time they engage with the other person.
Getting a private investigator or using tactics, like breaking into your partner’s texts and emails, is another way to see if your partner’s lost libido is redirected to their new lover.
Once you find out that cheating is going on, you must decide if you want to end it without trying to reconcile, which may be the best course if you think you can never trust again.
But do know, those caught cheating may turn it all around and become faithful mates once again when they understand the extent of the consequences, which includes losing half or their worldly goods.
Naturally, you need to do some work to see if you can ever get through the emotional trauma of infidelity and learn to trust again.
Therapists often help by doing sessions designed to mend the reasons for the cheating, and there are usually many.
It’s up to the therapist to get to the bottom of the problem.
Remember, the bottom may be that your relationship is over, and it may be time to accept that fact as painful as it may be.
Other times, couples go on to a successful reunion.
So, let’s assume cheating isn’t the problem.
Why else would your mate not be in the mood for sex to the point of turning down your requests to engage?
We don’t usually see this kind of behaviour in young faithful couples.
It’s more likely a problem that happens as relationships age, and they don’t always age as well as a fine wine.
Six main reasons for relationship problems
There are six main reasons for relationship problems.
These include psychological, physical, personal, behavioural, hormonal, and combined issues.
If you behave poorly, if you don’t groom properly, if you have partnered with a mate who suffers from some form of mental illness, these are just a few of the reasons you may no longer have a sexual union.
Your problems need a remedy, but the subject is too broad to address them all here.
The issue of libido
One problem not often addressed by talk therapists has to do with why we have a libido.
It’s all about the hormones flowing or no longer flowing through your body.
They are called sex hormones, and most of you know them by name.
There’s the male sex hormone, testosterone, and the female hormones, estrogen, and progesterone.
Of course, it’s a bit more complicated than that, but suffice it to say, if these hormones are out of balance, your need, desire, and even your ability to engage in sex may remain impaired.
One of the first things my writing partner, Dr Roberta Foss-Morgan, and I believe is required when sexual relations have gone south is getting a blood test.
Yes, a blood test to determine if your sex hormones are balanced and working correctly.
A man without sufficient testosterone may have no interest in sex, and he may no longer be able to have sex since erectile dysfunction can result from not having enough testosterone running through his body.
Therefore, employing testosterone therapy can do wonders in turning your grumpy old man into a guy who once again wants to be romantic or at least be in the mood for sex.
If you wish to find out about your hormone levels, you need to find a doctor willing to prescribe the blood tests and order the proper hormones to get you balanced if required.
This task can present a problem because many doctors are still living in the dark ages when it comes to hormone replacement.
It’s entirely possible that you, too, are living in the past about hormones.
Many people immediately think of cancer when they hear hormone replacement.
For women, they think breast cancer, and men think prostate cancer.
These beliefs are outdated but persist in the minds of many medical practitioners.
Outdating research on hormone replacement therapy
Concerning hormone replacement and breast cancer, this belief began in 2002 when the Women’s Health Initiative Study (WHIS) stopped early because too many women got breast cancer.
If you do a little research, which most doctors don’t seem to do on hormone therapy, you will learn that the hormones used in that study were the problem.
Instead of using bioidentical hormones like estrogen and progesterone in proper dosing, they used Prempro.
Prempro, however, contains pregnant horse urine (Premarin) as the source of estrogen, which is way too strong for most women and Provera (progestin), instead of natural progesterone.
Progestin appears to be the culprit causing the bad outcomes attributed to the hormone therapy rejected by many doctors.
Interestingly, the dangerous progestin has been used in place of natural progesterone in almost all birth control pills prescribed to women since they were teens.
Until medical authorities act on the current and present data, women continue to be harmed.
Benefits of Bioidentical hormone replacement therapy
Now let’s talk about bioidentical hormone replacement therapy that uses natural hormones in precise doses for each particular woman.
It’s not one-pill-fits-all patients.
After all, women come in all sizes and need medications appropriate for them as individuals.
Once you find a doctor knowledgeable in BHRT, your mood, health, libido should show noticeable changes.
Not in the mood for sex should no longer be in your life unless you have a real headache.
And now for you women with husbands who are not cheating but are not in the mood for sex.
Testosterone injections of the bioidentical hormone for men will likely work wonders for that guy who just wants to watch the ball game instead of hopping into bed.
The first thing your guy will probably notice is that he may awaken with that long-lost morning erection.
Sure, he may have forgotten what to do with it, but you might help him find his way.
Spontaneous erections should also delight him.
Of course, if he uses a dinosaur doctor, he will likely refuse to offer the treatment because he will tell your guy that testosterone causes prostate cancer.
Well, according to Dr Abraham Morgentaler, a world authority on testosterone, that’s not at all the case.
So, one should ask themselves, if testosterone causes prostate cancer, how come it’s rarely found in young men with the highest concentrations of testosterone, yet we find it in ageing men who have little testosterone left?
What scientists discovered is that testosterone converts into estrogen as we age, based on several factors, and it’s the estrogen that causes the prostate to both enlarge and become cancerous.
It’s time to take an active role in your health, get some blood tests, and find a doctor who wants to keep you balanced rather than allow yourself to wither away.
Now you know some of the potential reasons your significant other is not in the mood for sex.
Look into it and start fixing things before it’s too late!