by Gideon

February 12, 2021

In today’s podcast episode, I’m answering this question by Morgane, What Am I Currently Doing to Improve My Relationship and Make My Spouse Happier?


Hey guys, this is Gideon and welcome back to another episode here on marriage, on fire. So this week I’ve decided to sort of change it up a little bit.

People have been writing in and giving me questions and I thought to actually start doing some episodes around these questions. So every week I’m going to cover a specific question. Those I think are good questions and it will serve the bigger community. And so this week we got a question from a lady called Morgani and she has a question of, What am I currently doing to make my relationship better? And my spouse happier. I thought it was a really, really good question. And I thought to do an episode on this and answer this question. I wrote down a couple of notes and hopefully it will serve all of you listening to this episode today. So this is not going to be a long episode.

I’m just going to answer this question very shortly. And I think hopefully what I’ve come up with will really give you some food for thought. So, what am I currently doing to make my relationship better? And my spouse happier. Now, first of all, I think this is a good question for my wife to answer. But I’m going to try and answer it from my point of view.

And if she want to chip in, or maybe leave a comment, if she’s listening to this, that will be great. So I thought about this question of what am I currently doing to make my relationship better? And my spouse happier. Now, of course, there are many things that I used to do or things that I used to do in the past that I may be no longer doing, but what am I currently doing to make my relationship better?

And my spouse happier. And I came up with three things, three things I’m going to. Dig into or dive into a little bit deeper and hopefully it will serve you. I think the first thing that I’m doing right now to make my radish a better. And also my spouse happier is definitely personal development or personal growth.

What I mean by that is, is that right now where we are in our relationship in our marriage right now. So we’ve been married almost 15 years. What I’ve sort of focused or what I’m focusing on right now is definitely my own personal growth, my own personal development. And in a sense, what I’m focusing on is to become the best version of myself.

I think it’s really important to understand that in a marriage, you don’t control your spouse. This is something that I had to learn over many years of marriage and after many failed relationships in the past is that you don’t control the other person you’re in a relationship with. So the only person that you can really develop, the only person you can grow, the only person that you can improve.

Is of course yourself. And so it is a lot better idea than instead of trying to focus on your spouse and trying to get them to change. It’s, it’s a much better idea to focus on yourself and to really ask yourself, how can you become the best version of yourself? Because the idea is that if you become the best version of yourself, you can then bring that energy and bring that.

Person or that version of yourself into the marriage, which will ultimately serve the bigger relationship will serve. Your spouse will serve you and will serve the relationship long term. Now, of course, when, I mean, and when I focus on becoming the best version of myself, and when I focus on personal development, there are sort of a couple of sub categories to this that I tend to focus on.

So right now, what I’m focusing on to become the best version of myself so that I can show up as the best version of myself for my wife. And for my family, of course, the first one would definitely be my mind. And so I’m working very hard to develop my mind and to expand it. I typically do this through learning, through reading books, through listening to courses, listening to podcasts, watching videos, watching trainings, that type of thing.

But right now, I’m also signed up with our local university Massey university, um, here in New Zealand and I’m studying my graduate diploma in psychology. So the idea is to become a registered psychologist in New Zealand in the next couple of years. And so, because I’m interested in psychology, I’m interested in emotions and behavior and why people do what they do.

This is kind of what I’ve sort of thrown myself into last year, as well as this year. And. For the next couple of years. So right now I’m developing my mind. I’m learning, I’m studying in a very specific direction and that is, it helps me become the best version and show up as the best version of myself.

The second thing I focus on is developing my body and to. Um, develop the best version of my body right now. And so the way I do this right now is through my involvement with, with Brazilian jujitsu. So the last couple of years I’ve been treasured, you did Sue and I’ve been, um, training with, uh, a club locally and I’ve met a lot of nice guys there and they’ve sort of become my family away from home.

But it’s also a challenge. My body has challenged my abilities. It’s challenged my skill level. It’s challenged me. Um, in many ways that I didn’t really foresee when I started it, but as it goes with jujitsu is that you’re ultimately either love it or you hate it. I love it. And so therefore I’ve been doing it for a couple of years, but also also doing strength training at home.

But the point is I’m pushing myself far beyond my comfort zone or what I used to believe my comfort zone is, and I’m pushing my body. To, you know, ultimately improve it so that I can become a best version of myself. And even though I am 42 this year, I am pushing my body far beyond what I thought I was capable of, um, even in my thirties.

So this is a simple way for me to improve my body. Also, lastly, a way that I focus on improving myself is through spiritual development. Of course spiritual development has always been part of my life right now. It’s sort of changed a little bit, but something that I’ve been focusing on the last, maybe the last couple of months or so has been, uh, sort of typically the work by Joe Dispenza.

So things around meditation, um, something that you can perhaps call intentional visualization. Um, so it’s about sort of becoming quiet. It’s going inwards and creating. Uh, the best type of life that you want from, by tapping into the quantum field and the stuff that Joe Dispenza talks about. And so that’s really been, the journey I’ve been on is to really tap into, you know, into source as some people might refer to it.

And just really learning around the various strategies and methods and methodologies of tapping into this, um, infinite source of potentiality. And this is something that I’ve been on a journey with and something I’ve been developing, something that I’ve been building into my life as part of who I am.

So insured, that’s kind of what I’m doing right now to personally develop myself so that I can show up as the best version of myself. I’m also focusing on developing relationally. So it’s not just personally, but also relationally. Um, and so in terms of my relationships, Starting with my wife and my marriage.

Something that I’ve been more intentional about and more focused on has definitely been to try and show up in a more loving way in a more intimate way. So I’ve been really focused on trying to be more loving and being more intimate, uh, being more physical. And I’m not just referring to being sexual, but just touching my wife more and giving them more hugs and holding her hand more and just being close and affectionate.

Uh, in, in, in, in that way, showing her more love. So I’ve definitely made that my focus, uh, of late and there’s something I’ve always done, but it’s something that I’ve really become more intentional about to, in order in, in an attempt to show up as the best version of myself, for my wife as well. I’ve also decided to be more adventurous.

So there’s a couple of things that we’re busy with right now, things that we’ve started pursuing. Um, I’m a person that loves being home. I like my stuff. I like the, my stuff, having my stuff around me. I like my routines. And when that gets upset, then I get upset. And so for me to be more adventurous and step out of my comfort zone and.

To start exploring some other things that might not be in my comfort zone offered within my typical routines is as something of a growth point for me. And so being more adventurous as part of my goals for this year, but also something that I’ve become more intentional about. And, um, and that’s just part of my attempt to show up as the best version of myself.

I’m also focusing on being more playful. So I’m typically known as a very serious person, even though I’ve got a really, really good sense of humor. I am. I can come across as very serious. Some people might even call me staunch, you know, at times, but I’m trying really hard to become more playful and being more, you know, obviously that goes alongside being more adventurous.

And, um, and so being playful for me is important to show up with that energy. So that those, those around me, especially my wife can really feel that. And, um, and that can also benefit our relationship. Lastly in terms of my marriage, I’m also focusing on being more supportive. And in this particular case of what I mean by this is, is that my wife started pursuing a couple of things this year and she’s made some massive changes, changes in our own life.

And so what I’ve really become focused on and Becca, and I’ve tried to be more intentional about. It’s to support her and her goals. So she’s got some fitness goals, she’s got some business goals and also in terms of who she wants to be and show up, show up as, and so I’ve been really intentional and focused on being supportive of those goals of hers so that she can also show up as the best version of herself.

Not for me, but for herself, of course, I will get the benefits of that, but really to support her on her journey so that she can feel that you can do that. Without having to, you know, bear a burden yeah. Of trying to make me happy or, um, showing up for me. I mean, that’s of course her journey and that’s something that she’s got to work through, but I’m.

Focused on being really supportive. So she can be the best version of herself in terms of being a dad. I’ve got one goal and that is to be a better dad. And there are many growth points, many things that I can improve on many things that I need to do better. And I’m very aware of those. And I’m constantly trying to work on those.

Sometimes it’s very hard. Sometimes it’s a lot easier than said, you know, it’s easier said than done. As the saying goes, even though everything is easier said than done. But it’s something that I’m intentional about. It’s something that I’m aware of and it’s something that I’m working on. So to serve my marriage, serve my, of my wife.

I also know that I need to improve my relation with my kids. And even though I’ve got a good relation with my kids, it’s something that I can always improve. Something I can always, uh, make better. I can always show up as a better version of myself as a father as well. And so that’s something that I’m, that I’m actively focused on actively working on.

So in terms of personal development, To answer this question, what am I currently doing to make my relationship better? And to make my spouse happier? I would say in terms of personal development, that would be the number one thing that I’m doing right now. And for the sole reason that I’d done control anyone else, I don’t control my kids or my wife, but I do control myself and I control how I show up every single day.

And so I’m doing the best I can to develop myself in these various areas right now, so that I can show up as that best version of myself so that I can serve my family. The second thing that I’m doing, um, thinking about this question is. I try and show up every day. And what I mean by that is, is that in order to create a happy relationship, especially a happy and lasting marriage, you have to apply consistency to everything you do.

There is no point in doing things sporadically every now and again, or whenever you feel like it. If you want to get some real results in your marriage, you want to create a quality of relationship that you feel happy with, and that you really truly enjoy genuinely enjoy one with high levels of intimacy and happiness and peace and all the things that we desire as couples I’ve learned that.

Consistency is key. I know this is kind of a cliche and it applies to many things in life, but in terms of relationships and in terms of marriage, this is definitely true. Consistency is key. You cannot just show up every other day. You have to show up every day as the best version of yourself. Now, some days that will be easier than other days, but it doesn’t change the principle.

It doesn’t change the challenge and it doesn’t change the demand that we have to do that and try and do that every single day. So a second thing that I’m doing to make my Russia better and make my wife happier is to be consistent in the way I show up is to show up every day with intentional love, to show up in a way where I’m actively pursuing intimacy, actively pursuing adventure and playfulness and all this stuff that I just talked about.

And then the third and last thing that I thought of, of how I’m currently making my relationship better end helping my spouse and making my spouse happier is that I am actively trying to be a fortress. And what I mean by that is, is that I’m trying to be a safe place for my wife and for my children. I’m trying to be that in a physical manner.

So I’m trying to be a person that. That they feel safe around and that they can always run to when they’re in trouble or when they feel scared or uncertain about things. But I’m also trying to be a fortress and a safe place emotionally. So I’m trying really hard to be a person that creates emotional certainty for them and creates emotional stability and safety for them.

And so that they can always feel safe around me. They can always feel that they can express themselves. They can be themselves, they can feel their emotions and whatever they dealing with and going through, they can. That’s okay. They can, they can do those things around me and I will provide a safe enough space for them to do that.

It is totally okay to be vulnerable. It’s totally okay to break down because I am the fortress. I am a safe place and they can do that when they’re around me. I think this is extremely important for a marriage that your spouse feels safe with you physically, as well as emotionally that they can trust you and rely on you to be vulnerable, to be.

Um, I dare, I say, even weak at times, or perhaps, you know, uh, tired at times where they don’t always have to be strong. I think it’s very important to be that type of person be that type of place for your partner. But I think it’s also really important to be there for your kids if you’ve got kids, um, because they do test you and they do push you.

And, and the reality is they do need you oftentimes far more than you realize. And so. If they can learn that a relationship, a true loving and genuine relationship chip is one where they can be themselves and they don’t always have to be on their a game. They can be vulnerable. They can be, they can feel weak.

They can feel down it’s okay. And a real relationship. That is a good, that is where they need to be there. And, and a real relationship will provide them a safe space, a fortress where they can do that. Now whether that’s with their parents or whether that is, um, with their own partners or spouses one day.

I think as, as mum and dad and as husband and wives, we can lay that foundation and we can teach them what are theirs that they need to also look for when they’d beg one day when they have their own relationship from their own marriages. One day, that that is, that is the benchmark. That is what they need to settle for.

They shouldn’t settle for anything less. Do not settle for a relationship where you feel. Um, where you feel unsafe, where you feel uncertain, where you cannot be yourself, where you cannot break down where you cannot be vulnerable, if you’re in a relationship like that. That is, that is definitely not the ideal.

That is definitely not something you should settle for because, um, the benchmark is definitely higher than that. And you should. You should want to desire more for yourself because it’s only when you are in a safe place emotionally and physically, that you can also be yourself and explore different facets of yourself in different dimensions of yourself without the fear of retribution or the fear of punishment or the fear of rejection and, and the stuff that that might go with a different type of relationship.

So if I had to answer this question, what am I currently doing to make my relationship better? My spouse happier. It would be, does those three things I’m trying to develop myself. I’m trying to show up every day and be consistent. And I’m trying to be a safe place, a fortress for my wife, as well as my, as well as my kids.

So hopefully that served you guys. I would love to hear what you’re doing right now to also make your relationship better and your spouse or. Or partner happier. If you want to leave your answers down below where the wherever you’re listening to this, that would be great for everyone to share in that.

But in the meantime, hope you have a good weekend and I will be back with you guys next week with another question here on me.

About the author 


Gideon is the Owner of The Relationship Guy, a top-100 marriage advice blog that helps married couples create happier relationships. He is a trained professional counsellor (DipProfCouns., DipMSHT.), has been happily married for over fifteen years and is a dad of two.​ He also holds Bachelor and Master degrees in the field of Theology and is currently studying Psychology at Massey University (New Zealand).

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