Whenever a couple struggles with communication, there is usually a different deeper underlying issue … and it’s NOT communication. In this Facebook Live I did recently, we look at what this underlying causative issue is, and what you can do about it in your relationship.
Hey guys, this is Gideon coming back to you with another live video this morning.
I want to talk about the issue of communication.
But before I dive into that, just go to the link below if you haven’t checked it out already.
It is my latest book called “Happy Again: A simple strategy to create a happy, healthy and intimate relationship again.”
If you haven’t checked it out, just go to the page that explains everything.
If you like what you hear, just a click on the link, it’ll take you to another page and just grab your own copy.
You can download it and start reading it today.
So with that being said, let’s talk about the issue of communication.
So, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been working with a couple of clients, and the issue of communication has always been part of that.
Then recently I got another email from another potential client, which I’m yet to meet, and in the application form that I sent to all people I work with, the issue of communication came up yet again.
And so I thought to maybe do a short video and share with you a couple of thoughts on what I think when it comes to communication issues that a lot of couples seem to have.
So, a book that I read a while back that talked about this whole idea of communication being an issue in a relationship, that really changed the way I think about it and also the way I work with clients, is the one that’s on my shelf here somewhere … if I can find it for you.
It is this book called “How to improve your marriage without actually talking about it.”
Very good book.
You can go and find if you want.
I think there’s a different title also that might be something like “Why women talk and men walk” or something like that.
But that’s a very, very good book and it really changed the way I think about communication when it comes to relationships.
So here’s the gist of it.
Whenever a couple tells me that they have issues with communication, I kind of instantly know that the issue isn’t communication.
I’m going to say that again.
Whenever you’re struggling with communication in your relationship, communication isn’t the issue or it’s not the first issue, it’s not the primary issue.
It is usually the outflow, the consequence, of a bigger underlying problem.
And what is that problem?
That problem is what we call a lack of connection or a dwindling unravelling bond between you and your partner.
I want you to think for a moment back to the start of your relationship, with the same person that you’re with now, assuming it’s the same person you’re with now.
Chances are that person hasn’t changed all that much.
Chances are that if it is a guy, and he didn’t talk much in the beginning, and he probably still doesn’t.
He still doesn’t talk a lot, but it is easy for us to tell ourselves that our partners somehow changed over the years.
But if we’re really honest, we will know that it’s not really our partner.
It has changed, but really it’s just the dynamics, the bond, the connection between us and our partner that has changed.
I posted a video on the page here earlier today, from some pastor.
It talks about the secret of a happy relationship.
And he talks about this idea that at the start of a relationship, we do a lot of things.
We pour a lot of things into our relationships and into our partners.
Things that are sometimes even quirky and really, really weird, and corny.
But we do it because we want to.
The person is important, the relationship is important.
But over the years, once we get married in life, start showing up like kids start showing up, you know, we lose our jobs.
We’ve got to move to a different place, move to a different country, changed jobs.
Uh, you know, we get unhealthy.
We deal with illnesses, we get fit, we lose weight.
You know, all these changes that happen in our lives, that ultimately show up, and then suddenly our relationships are pushed to the back burner.
It’s sort of pushed to the side, you know, almost like we take care of all these other things (first) or we kind of tell ourselves we will take care of all these other things before we take care of a relationship.
Or we’ll take care of these things and then when they’re taken care of, then we’ll start looking at our partners and our relationships again.
The problem is that that strategy doesn’t work.
And so a lack of communication or poor communication is sometimes one of the consequences of that relationship connection that has, in a sense, been unravelling for quite some time.
But if you’re honest about it, you probably know that it’s not just communication.
Intimacy has probably also started suffering, and playfulness, and just being happy and enjoying each other’s company and doing fun stuff together, experiencing new things, going out on dates …
You know, just watching a movie together after kids have gone to bed, ordering your favourite dessert from a nearby takeaway place and just, you know, pigging-out like you did when you were students.
All those things we used to do, we stop doing when life starts showing up and we start paying the price for it.
One of those things is a lack of communication or poor communication.
Whenever I work with couples, I don’t start with communication because (poor) communication, as I said, is often times just an outflow of a deeper problem.
If you really want to improve your communication, you’ve got to understand that what you did at the start of your relationship were things that actually contributed to a very deep connection or bond between you and your partner.
And because you had a deeper bond, a better bond because of that, communication was never an issue.
You kind of just, you know, got away with talking about stuff the way you did and you sort of just worked your way around the fact that your partner didn’t say much or kept his thoughts for himself, or you know, she talked way too much, whatever the case is.
But you got around it, you dealt with stuff because you were more tolerating of each other.
You were more patient.
The quality of the relationship and the wellbeing of your partner were more important than actually, you know the stuff that eventually shows up in our relationships.
And so when we have a strong connection with our partners, everything else seems to flow so much easier, even communication.
And so if you’re really serious about improving your communication issues in your relationship, start with connection.
How can my partner and I actually start creating a deeper connection yet again?
Because that is where the gold is that is.
The answer is not with starting with communication and talking about your relationship.
When you deal with connection, talking will become a natural and a pleasant sort of byproduct of a deeper connection that you’ve established or you’re establishing again with your partner.
Now in the book that I referred to at the start, “Happy Again,” I talk about how men and women in relationship with each other, can actually deepen their bonds.
There are things we can do as men and things we can do as a woman to actually deepen a bond with our partners.
Because there are things that are slightly different.
There are things you can do with your husband that will deepen a connection with them.
There are things you can do with your wife that will deepen connection with her.
And the natural outflow will be better communication, intimacy, happiness, all that type of stuff.
So, if you haven’t checked out the book, go to the TheRelationshipGuy.com/Book and just read what it’s about.
And if you want to grab a copy, just click the link at the bottom of that page and you can just download it immediately.
But Guys, in the meantime, I hope this was helpful.
Don’t worry about talking about your relationship.
Start working on connection and talking, pretty soon, won’t be a problem anymore.
Leave your comments and questions below and I will answer or respond to them personally.
But until I talk to you again, probably next week, go and live and love fully and we will see each other soon, Guys.
Have you seen this yet?
If you want to learn how to create a happy, healthy, and more intimate marriage (again), you need to read this very important letter about my latest relationship book I released recently.