{"id":41118,"date":"2026-03-28T15:18:18","date_gmt":"2026-03-28T13:18:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/?p=41118"},"modified":"2026-03-28T15:18:20","modified_gmt":"2026-03-28T13:18:20","slug":"are-you-telling-me-or-asking-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/are-you-telling-me-or-asking-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Vertel jy my, of vra jy my?"},"content":{"rendered":"

My dad had a way of cutting through noise with a single sentence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When someone would go on and on, making grand declarations, performing certainty, he would wait for the right moment and say, with amusement: “Are you telling me, or asking me?”<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He wasn’t being cruel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was actually being accurate, I learned later on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Because there is a difference between a person who has arrived at something and a person still trying to convince themselves they have. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The volume is what gives it away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, first, let’s talk about the trigger..<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can call it,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE RECONSTRUCTION<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Something breaks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A marriage ends. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A body deteriorates. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A business collapses. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A faith cracks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that thing that broke wasn’t just an event. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was an identity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the human psyche, faced with the rubble of who it thought it was, does what it always does: it rebuilds.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, that reconstruction isn’t dishonest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Usually never.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That needs to be said clearly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The divorced man who becomes a devoted husband, the overweight man who becomes the fit father, the burnt-out executive who becomes the minimalist, the addict who becomes the sobriety advocate, these are real people doing real work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The effort is genuine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The change is often substantial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there is a version of that reconstruction that quietly outsources something critical to an audience…<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The likes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The amens. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ‘you’re such an inspiration.’ <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The comments that say you’ve changed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But these aren’t just vanity… <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rather, in a specific psychological pattern, they serve as load-bearing elements. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remove them, and the internal structure wobbles. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that is not healing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is outsourced<\/em> self-worth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

The broadcast isn’t the healing. Sometimes it’s the avoidance of it.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n

\n
\"a<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Now,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I DID IT<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I gained weight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gradually and not glamorously. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had a wake-up encounter one day and realised, clearly, that I had become fat, and that I had been pretending otherwise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I did the work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I lost 60 pounds. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got fit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I built a version of myself I was proud of. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I did something that, in retrospect, tells the full story: I created an online persona called ‘Healthy<\/a> Dad.’<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I started posting the meals. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I posted the workouts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I posted the before-and-after. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I framed it as accountability, as inspiration, as community. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And some<\/em> of that was true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But underneath it, something else was operating. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

The persona was doing work my internal world hadn’t finished yet. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I hadn’t fully faced why I had let myself go in the first place. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hadn’t sat with the shame, the disconnection from my own body, the quiet self-neglect that preceded the weight gain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had skipped straight from the wound to the trophy, and I was inviting the internet to confirm I had arrived.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And in reality, my audience was carrying something for me without knowing it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every interaction was a small proof that I was now a different person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

The problem is that proof sourced from outside never quite settles the question inside.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Now,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE PATTERN HAS MANY FACES<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And once you see the architecture or structure, you recognise it everywhere. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not to judge, but to understand…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The born-again faithful husband<\/em>, broadcasting his devotion after a marriage ended, who fills his social media with anniversary posts and declarations of love that feel slightly too loud, slightly too frequent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He may genuinely love his wife. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the volume is doing work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The radical minimalist<\/em> who lost everything financially and now posts about owning 47 possessions, who turns scarcity into a brand, who performs simplicity with the same intensity as others perform wealth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ideology is real. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But so is the reconstruction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sober influencer<\/em> whose entire identity has collapsed into sobriety, who cannot post about Tuesday without referencing recovery, whose whole online presence is a monument to not drinking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sobriety is earned and real. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when the identity becomes the sobriety rather than the person<\/a>, the work is still in progress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The hustle culture dropout<\/em> who spent a decade grinding and burning out, and now runs a slow-living brand with the same relentless, optimised intensity they brought to the hustle. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Different content, same compulsion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The common thread isn’t the content. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s the compulsion.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

It’s the fact that the internal sense of self is still dependent on the external signal. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It’s the fact that stopping the broadcast would feel like losing the ground under their feet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s something I’ve learned and observed…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know you’ve truly integrated something when you can be quiet about it.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don’t need to share.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don’t need the validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You just ‘are’ <\/em>now…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, why do we do this, aim for external signals<\/em> rather than internal knowing<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE PSYCHOLOGY UNDERNEATH<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Terror Management Theory<\/a>, developed by Jeff Greenberg and colleagues, suggests that when our sense of identity is threatened, we engage in symbolic self-defence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In other words,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

We don’t just change; we overclaim in the direction of change to buffer against the fear of reverting.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Compensatory conviction<\/em> works similarly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we perceive a deficit in one area of our identity, we overclaim in the opposite direction to compensate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, the man who failed at faithfulness doesn’t just become faithful… <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He becomes the most publicly faithful man on your feed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Erving Goffman also described social life as performance<\/em>, the self as something we present and manage in front of audiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, what he understood is that the performance and the performer are never fully identical. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is always a gap. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, the question becomes whether you are performing to connect or performing to convince.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because when the performance is about convincing, the audience is no longer your community. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are essentially your coping mechanism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DISTINCTION THAT MATTERS<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Now, none of that means sharing your journey is wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

None of this means public vulnerability is performance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the line isn’t the sharing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The line is the dependency.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That’s the real test…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is about needing the audience’s<\/a> input.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The external signals that you are doing well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That you are a good person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A good husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A good dad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A beautiful wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Skinny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ripped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In shape…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask yourself honestly:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Could you stop posting about something for three months and still feel stable on your journey?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

or,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When someone challenges your new identity and life, do you feel curiosity, amusement, or a sense of threat?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you sharing because it adds something to others, or because the response adds something to you?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is the story you tell publicly the same story you tell yourself at 2 am?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s what I’ve observed…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Integration is quiet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not silent, but quiet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The person who has genuinely done the work can speak about it without urgency. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can hold it without performing it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can be questioned about it without their architecture collapsing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thing that changed has become part of them, not the whole of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

The person still mid-reconstruction needs the audience to hold the thing together. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

And that’s not a character flaw. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s a signal or sign.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s the psyche asking for something that only<\/em> internal work can actually provide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

True healing doesn’t need an audience. It needs honesty. The audience is the substitute.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO CARRY<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Now, here is the part that doesn’t get said enough in my opinion…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your healing is performed publicly and the performance is load-bearing, you are asking your audience to carry something on your behalf. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

You are asking them to consistently affirm, consistently validate, and consistently reflect back the identity you are trying to lock in.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

And that is a weight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s not visible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And your followers don’t know they’re carrying it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when the affirmation slows, when the comments taper, when the algorithm shifts, and the reach drops, the person whose recovery is audience-dependent doesn’t just feel irrelevant. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They feel destabilised. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that destabilisation is the proof that the work was never finished.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Listen, nobody owes you their emotional labour in service of your unresolved pain. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Not your partner, who gets to be a prop in your redemption narrative. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not your children, who get photographed as evidence of your transformation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not your followers, who signed up for inspiration and are quietly funding a reconstruction they know<\/a> nothing about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do the work so that others don’t have to carry it for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WHAT INTEGRATION ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n

The people who have genuinely done the work are harder to find online. <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Not because they’ve disappeared, but because they are less urgent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They post about their growth without needing you to confirm it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can acknowledge the failure that preceded the change without flinching or over-explaining. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They don’t build their whole identity on the new version of themselves, because they understand that identity is not a destination.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And even if it was, trust me, the destination WILL change again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just give it time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can be questioned. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can be wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They can have a bad week without it meaning the whole thing was a lie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are not performing for you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

They are simply living in the direction they chose, and occasionally sharing it because connection is human, not because validation is oxygen.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

THAT is the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, why is this rant relevant at all?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HERE’S WHY<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My dad’s question cuts both ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you’re\u00a0telling<\/em><\/span>. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you’re\u00a0asking<\/em><\/span>. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the healthiest version of both is knowing which one is true.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reconstructions we go through after failure or shame are necessary and human. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But at some point, the scaffolding is supposed to come down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The building is supposed to stand on its own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it can’t, when it still needs the audience to hold it up, that is not a strength publicly performed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is a sign that the real conversation hasn’t happened yet.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, instead,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have it privately. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

With yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

With someone you trust. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

With a professional, if the wound goes deep enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do it NOT because the public version is shameful, but because you deserve something<\/em> the audience can never actually give you: peace that holds and lasts when no one is watching.<\/strong><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My dad had a way of cutting through noise with a single sentence. When someone would go on and on, making grand declarations, performing certainty, he would wait for the right moment and say, with amusement: “Are you telling me, or asking me?” He wasn’t being cruel. He was actually being accurate, I learned later on. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":41121,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","tve_updated_post":"","tve_custom_css":"","tve_user_custom_css":"","tve_globals":{},"tcb2_ready":1,"tcb_editor_enabled":0,"tve_landing_page":"","_tve_header":"","_tve_footer":""},"categories":[12261],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-41118","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","post-wrapper","thrv_wrapper"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41118","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=41118"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41118\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41133,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41118\/revisions\/41133"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/41121"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=41118"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=41118"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipguy.com\/af\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=41118"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}