A Good Communication Technique

by Gideon Hanekom
August 23, 2021

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This article discusses a good communication technique by looking at how you can communicate better using the “I” message.

Human beings are social beings and we interact with people every day of our life.

Often, our happiness depends a great deal on how those interactions with each person turn out.

This is especially true of those whom we care about e.g. in close friendships as well as in marriage.

However, because each personality we deal with is unique and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously observe the process and impact of our interactions so that we continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way.

I have realised that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns.

However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other.

A good way to do this is through the communication technique of “I” Messages.

In “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns.

“You” messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the “You” message is a positive statement of the other person.

For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse.

When that spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: “You are always coming home late! Why can’t you come back earlier?”

This “You” message leads to the spouse feeling criticised, blamed, and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amicable one.

In fact, it will most likely lead to intense emotional arousal and consequent escalating conflict.

The key here is that in any conflicting situation, “You” messages focus on attacking the other person.

As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside and side issues take centre stage with the power to derail the entire situation.

In contrast, however, in this same scenario, an “I” message would look like this: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I also get concerned and frustrated when you come home late because I don’t know whether to worry or what when you don’t come home when I thought you would.”

In this statement, therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns.

Clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it.

“I” messages are an effective and good communication technique because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person.

Plus, the sharing of the speaker’s feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings.

In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of “I” messages is always a superior communication technique to “You” messages and is a more respectful way of communicating.

So, even when expressing positive feelings, a “You” message like “You look good in this dress”, could be enhanced by “I” messages: “I’m so happy you’re wearing that dress as it reminds me of many good times we’ve had together. And you look really good.”

Generally, there are three parts to the “I” message communication technique

I feel A (express your feeling)
when you B (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)
because C (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)

The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.

Sometimes a fourth part might be added.

This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead.

More examples of “I” messages:

  • “I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?”
  • “I’m so happy you’re learning to cook because then I’ll know you can prepare your own meal when I’m unable to be home in time to cook.”
  • “When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I’m concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around.”

The use of “I” messages might not come naturally to most people initially, but with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication technique, especially as you begin to experience the good result of good communication and interactions, leading to more harmonious, loving relationship with your spouse.

About the author 

Gideon Hanekom

Gideon Hanekom is the creator of TheRelationshipGuy.com, a renowned relationship blog that ranked among the top 50 relationship blogs and top 100 marriage blogs in 2021. The blog is dedicated to providing valuable insights on cultivating healthy relationships and love in daily life. Gideon holds a Master's degree in theological studies and transitioned into professional counseling almost a decade ago. In addition, he completed graduate and post-graduate studies in Psychology at Massey University. With over seventeen years of marriage to his wife and two children, Gideon brings both professional and personal experience to his relationship advice. His articles have been featured on respected platforms such as Marriage.com and The Good Men Project.

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